My baby is 2!

Dear Josiah "Re-Re" Reid,

I put all your names in there because at 2 years old everyone still calls you something different. That's ok though cause it fits you. You put a whole new meaning to, "they broke the mold when they made you"

You turned 2 a month ago. I figured I wouldn't want to write your birthday post on time because I am known for being late about it with your brothers so why break tradition.

2. TWO years ago I brought your little 6 pound self home from the hospital terrified of what was to come. Terrified of how to care for you with 2 other boys at home. Terrified of how to feed you. Terrified that I wouldn't be able to nurture you and cuddle you as much as I did your brothers. As I probably mentioned in your 1 year blog, the first year you were such an easy baby. Not fussy, slept through the night, and just a love bug.

And then you started approaching the terrible terrific twos. Good Lord you are a strong willed, ambitious, and a crazy monkey! You don't take no for an answer and you fight with your brothers like you are 6 years old. You have the constant need to want to be the center of attention. And did I mention how strong willed you are?!! You can out do me any day!

But those big brown eyes. Oh those brown eyes that welt up when I have to tell you no. The brown eyes that sparkle when you hear music playing. The beautiful brown eyes that look at me and hold my face and tell me you love me. I am in love with those brown eyes. They melt my heart everyday.

You are so smart. Probably the smartest 2 year old I know. You can talk in sentences and have been for months. You can count almost to 20 and know all your colors. You can sing along to Taylor Swift and you are a dance NUT. In fact, you were standing up dancing before you even took your first step.

You adore your brothers and they think the world of you. You have some of the greatest family any kid can ask for. They love you so much and are so involved in your life. Despite all the changes happening around you, I promise to always love you. Support you and give you the best life possible. I promise to better myself as your mama every single day. Even on the days when you are strong willed and hard headed you will always be my precious little baby and I thank God for you everyday!

Always and Forever,

Your Mama

3 Years Young!

To my sweet middle son,
Can I start off now with saying better late than never? You turned 3 6 weeks ago.
What a year you had. You went from a little toddler to a little man. You went from saying less than 5 words at 2 years old to saying full sentences overnight.
You are compassionate, obedient and shy. You stand back and watch things and take things in before jumping in with both feet. You love your little brother and are your Grandpa's little buddy.
You are always wanting to help me and the first boy that always says "yes ma'am" when asked to pick up toys.
The past few days I have had to discipline you more than normal. It is very foreign for you not to listen. If I spank your hiney you cry and ask me to kiss it after cause it hurts. It melts my heart. You almost immediately tell me, "mom, Im sorry I want to be good" I love your heart.
I love that you love to snuggle with me. You hate it when I sing. You always have. You get embarrassed when I dance or act silly.
You are so very smart. You know all your colors, shapes, and can count to 20!
I tried to potty train you for months. You would have a serious look on your face and just say, "Im not wearing underwear, I wear diapers" Nothing I could do could get you to try to go in the toliet. No about of bribery, candy, or reasoning. You simply just weren't ready. I couldn't believe you would be wearing a diaper during your 3rd birthday party (which was the day before you actually turned 3)
And then, in the typical Jax behavior, you woke up on your 3rd birthday and said.."mom Im ready to wear underwear cause Im 3 now" And just like that you were potty trained!
I love you more than you will ever know Jonathan Alexander. (which if I call you that you say, "MY NAME IS JAX!") You amaze me with your gentle spirit and your gracious heart. You are beyond a blessing in my life. I am thankful for everyday I get to be your mamma and watch you grow.

The "D" Diary... Petitioner Please

I held on to the "D" papers for 3 weeks. For 3 weeks they sat on my counter. I think sub consciously I wasn't filing them. Maybe I wasn't ready. Ready to admit my marriage was over. So many things happened in that 3 weeks that made me realize it was indeed over. Reasons only few know and that again wont be brought up at this time on blog.

I woke up on a Thursday morning with such peace. That is was time to take the papers in to the courts to be filed. I knew it had to be done the next morning.

With the set back of filling out the papers in blue ink instead of black ink all was ready to go. My mom and Grandma took the boys for me for the day. I'm glad they did. I wasn't ready for the emotional basket case I would be.

After going through security and hearing everyone joyfully saying, "Merry Christmas" By the way, it was the day before Christmas Eve. All I wanted to do was cry and tell everyone to stop being so jolly and let me  have my depressing moment. I even spotted another woman a little older than me looking for the right papers at the self service center. I wanted to reach out and hug her. Like I stated above. Complete basket case! Anyhow, went through the jolly, happy security and walked the green mile. At least the hallway felt like it. It was cold and empty and seemed to go on for miles.

I had my emotions under control. I handed the clerk my papers and my copies. All I said was, "I need to file these" She looked them over. Probably seeing that I have 3 boys and now a failed marriage and looked up to size me up. Felt like the biggest failure. I feel the knot in my throat warm up like a big ball of fire.

She got out 3 large stamps or seals or something. And started pounding every single paper with them. Every time she stamped the page it felt as if a knife was stabbing my heart every time. One tear fell, then the floodgates were unleashed. Why did this hurt so bad? This is what I wanted. Or is it? At least I know its what I need to do. For the safety of myself and my boys.

I stood there for about 20 min while she stabbed my heart stamped the papers. I asked her what my next step was. She told me I have to go get papers to serve him then turn those in and wait for a judge. ya da ya da ya da.

8 years ago we eloped in Vegas. It was as simple as showing our  ID at the courthouse and signing a paper. Maybe if it would have been more difficult to get married, I wouldn't be in this place.

I composed myself. Walked out of the courthouse on a freezing, windy, Christmas Eve Eve. I have never felt so alone. So empty. So heartbroken. At the same time so at peace and relieved. Most of all, so proud of myself. I was finally sticking up for what was right.

The "D" Diary...Beauty from Ashes

I have stayed away from blogging for weeks now. For the fear of being fake. For the fear of if I were real and honest the backlash that would result because of it. The ridicule, the gossip, the comments on how I shouldn't be putting myself out there and my personal issues.

I have stayed away for weeks and now it is like a burning in my heart. I need to write and get things off my chest.

Since I have been writing in my blog, I have wrote many times on my marriage. My desire to desperately save my marriage, my giving up on my marriage, the re-birth into what I thought was going to be the beginning to an amazing everlasting love. The Love Dare. The Love Dare failure. Venting, complaining, and being encouraged by my followers amazing words of wisdom. It was only 3 months ago that I promised myself to my husband. I vowed to him that I would be the best wife I could be for him. I vowed to him that I would love him and support him and never ever not even in the heat of the moment bring up the "D" word. Unless one thing happened.

This isn't to go into details of what exactly happened in our marriage. Looking back now it wasn't just one thing. I mean, the last thing..that thing that lead up to me putting my foot down and saying enough is enough was one thing.

But looking back there were SOO many things I did wrong. And that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

My heart is broken. It is filled with so much pain. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel the man I have been married to for almost 8 years is a stranger and our marriage was all lies.

I'm going to be 30 in a few months. I have 3 little boys. I drive a mini-van. I'm suppose to be a family gal. Just last month I told him that I wanted to quit my job and be a full time mom. You know, the kind that has dinner on the table every night. Has all the kids bathed and dressed everyday. Spends the days at the park playing. That was MY desire.

In one split second, because of a lack of control all that was lost. I will now struggle as a single mom. Although ultimately it was something I choose to do, it was not something I wanted to do.

4 weeks later, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right decision. Tomorrow I will be going to court to file the divorce papers that have been sitting on our counter for over 3 weeks. My heart will heal. I will learn to be a single mom and raise 3 amazing, strong, respectful men. And one day, very very far down the road, I will find a man who sweeps me off my feet. Who will love me and my boys. A man who will never lie to me or hurt me.

Until then I'm keeping my focus on my main man upstairs and the 3 little men in my life who are my world.  I will stop at nothing to make sure they are taken care of and being raised in the most loving home possible.

^"To all who mourn in Israel,^[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory."

Smile

Just Smile

Dear Aiden....

Dear Aiden,

I meant to write to you after we had our parent teacher conference with your teacher. There was so much I wanted to tell you. So much I wanted to write down so I wouldn't forget. I wanted to document how advanced you were in your kindergarten class. I wanted to jot down that you were one of the 15 kindergarten students that was moved up to a higher level reading class!! Your daddy and I are so proud of you. Mrs. Nottingham spoke so highly of you. Basically what I got out of it was that you are a genius. Must have been all the fish oil I took while I was pregnant with you! Not really. I mean I did take it with you to help your little brain develop, but you are just a smart kid.

Now that I chatted with you about that. Something special happened tonight. I was tucking you in and Jax asked for a bedtime story. I told a quick one and said goodnight. You started crying hysterically! I ignored you ONLY because you have been throwing so many fits tonight I knew you were just tired and needing to sleep. After 2 short minutes I came in to see what you were fussin about.

And with the sweetest brown eyes you said, "mom I wanted to read YOU a book." I about collapsed in your bed, put my arms around you and said, "Aiden......I would LOVE for you to read to me"

We have been working at your site words and trying to get you to read to us as much as you can but you never want to or else your brothers are bothering you to much and you cant concentrate.

This time was different. Jax sat up with the biggest smile and watched you read a book. It was The Wheels On The Bus. Now, I know you KNOW the song but you were reading every single word and pointing to each one while you spoke it. It was beautiful. It was amazing. It brought tears to my eyes.

After you were done reading the book I started pointing to random words and you read every single one of them. I wanted to check to make sure you were really reading and not just memorizing.

Aiden James, I am SO proud of you. I can't believe how big you are getting. You are growing up to fast. Please just slow down a little. Your mamma is having a hard time that you are quickly becoming a little man.

Love Always and Forever,

Your Mamma

Put me in a StRaIgHtJaCkEt!

Put me in a straitjacket because I am starting to think I'm losing my mind.

My life is busy. It is hectic. I don't have the patience of a saint or the thriftiness to be called frugal. We don't make six figures and we don't have college educations. We have had our hiccups that's for sure. Every single bit of common sense says I am dumb and irresponsible to think about whats on my mind. My head knows this. The problem is my head and my heart have never been on the same page. Or even in the same book for that matter. The often conflict with another and play this tug o war. Even if one side wins the other side is left feeling sad and defeated.

So why am I losing my mind?

Because of this-

Pregnancy, Labor, Newborns, the crying...it all makes me lose my mind and get all giddy. I dont have a  peace about being "done" I have no desire to take the birth control my Dr gave me (nor do I want to get pregnant right now) but one day I do. One day I want to add another baby to our family.

I desire a 4th baby more than anything in the world. More than the "body improvements" I want to get done. More than having my dream wedding and vow renewal. More than going on an exotic vacation. I want to add a brother or sister more than me getting my hair done every 6 weeks or treating myself to starbucks.

If I were told right now our 4th would be another boy............I want that boy!

It doesn't help being on Facebook right now where EVERYONE seems to be pregnant, has a newborn, or is about to pop. I am so overjoyed for all my friends and family. (speaking of shout out to my Sis-In-Law, Christal who just announced they are expecing #2!!!) I love seeing all the belly pictures and hearing about who's being admitted in the hospital. I love the suspense of finding out who is having what! I wish I could rub each of your belly's and hold all of your newborns!

I should clear up I don't want a newborn cause its a newborn. I want another CHILD. I love watching them grow. Some women will keep having babies because the like having BABIES. Yeah, honestly I can pass on the baby phase. I just love the fact that there is one more person that God is allowing you to raise for an amount of time. I do however love being in labor. Weird. I know. That I think is the only part I get jealous of other people. When I hear they are in labor I think to myself, "ahhh man...I WANNA BE IN LABOR!"  Anyhow, totally rambling. Just thought I would throw that out there.

I don't think a 4th is gonna happen for us. I pray so hard my heart changes. Until then, all y'all keep on keep on and popping out those adorable babies!

Reflection time..

Blogging works wonders in more than one way.

Tonight was a tuff one with the kids. No naps all day. Fighting, kicking and screaming all afternoon. Messy house, no time to cook dinner and then throw in mother nature for me and you have a recipe for disaster. Oh yeah..today was tuff.

Needless to say I put the wild animals boys down at 6:30 tonight. A record for me. I mopped the floor then sat down to have some "me" computer time. Escape to the make believe world artistic design and catching up on all my cyber friends day. Then I started to miss my boys. The same boys that almost brought me to tears just minutes before.

But they are MY boys. My babies that I was able to carry in my tummy. My boys that I could call my own. At the end of the day, no matter how horrific they might be. No matter how many times they will embarrass me at the store because of throwing fits, no matter how many times Jax says, "Mom, don't talk to me right now"..they are MY boys. Always and forever. I will be their mamma. I will love them through their acts of disobedience and I will guide them with loving hands.

So I sit here at 8:30 pm. Reflecting. I didn't send the kids to bed with a bedtime story tonight. I simply tucked them in kissed them goodnight and told them.."Sleep good. Tomorrow will be a better day. I love you."


A few shots from today and yesterday. Kids dumping all the stuff out of baby's closet so they can hang on the bar. My (self diagnosed) broken toe. Aiden playing checkers with Nana. Dinner being thrown on the table while Aiden is screaming at me he wants grapes. Then screaming at me to stop taking pictures. And tonight..I decided to bring the outdoor rug and put it under our table for a pop of color. Ahh, the little things in life.

Skye What?

Exciting things are happening at SKYE. What is Skye might you ask? If you live in the West Valley you more than likely have driven past the massive building and asked yourself what goes on in there. Perhaps you want to walk in the doors but you are afraid of the unknown. Located in Peoria, Arizona right off the 101 at Bell Rd it is easily accessible from Scottsdale and Phoenix.

Skye offers excellent live entertainment, exquisite dining, and is a host for a number of events from weddings to company parties.

Where else in the West Valley can you watch a tribute to Elton John and Billy Joel and feast on a 28oz USDA PRIME bone in Rib Eye? 28 ounces of PRIME meat people!!

So weather your in the mood for a live rock show, dining in our Raymond's Steakhouse, enjoying a bubbling martini in our Blu Lunge, or taking advantage of our one of a kind happy hour Skye is exactly the kind of place you want to be. The premiere spot for the West Valley.

I mentioned changes. We are excited to announce the launch of our new menu.

"The team at SKYE have been working diligently to bring the Valley our brand of
Steakhouse Comfort Cuisine. Taking familiar dishes, putting our own spin on them
and delivering them to our guest with the highest standards of culinary execution and
hospitality is our mission. We are offering Prime Steaks, high quality seafood and
chicken dishes, accompanied by flavorful sides, salads and a wide array of starters.

In our show room knows as The Platinum Room, we offer a variety of dishes like Bacon
Wrapped Dates, Chicken Pesto Sliders and Steak Tender Medallions, all under $20.
In our steakhouse known as Raymond’s, we offer our selection of Prime steaks, Salmon
Saffron Picatta, Herb Roasted Chicken along with spectacular starters such as our famous
Seafood Tower. Our Raymond’s Steakhouse menu is also available to any of our guests
in The Platinum Room.

We are excited to share our food, hospitality and concerts with all of our guests.
In the coming months, we will feature many promotions as well as a Chef’s feature page
where we will further explore our passion for inspired and perfectly executed hospitality
and food.
Please join us and enjoy!"

 Chef Ephraim Gallor

Skye is offering a free dessert to anyone who calls  623-334-0010 and makes reservations through the weekend. Please mention *SWEET BLOG* when making reservations.

Come give us a try, I promise you wont be disappointed. 

Pointless Ramblings

Iam exhausted. I cant keep my eyes open. Guess I should go to bed.
Not.
I have to study. It is incredibly important.
Study what?
The new menu at Skye.
The test is in the morning.
Dont pass..dont get shifts.
Oh the pressure.
Worlds most HORRIBLE test taker.
I cant learn by reading.
I have to learn by seeing.
Hands on.
Im also a procrastinator.
Hence sitting here typing stupid stuff when I need to be studying.
I can study for hours and it wont make a difference.
I will bomb the test tomorrow.
Moving on...
The new menu. I am SOO overjoyed about this.
If you have never been you really need to come check this place out
and enjoy the wonderful food, cocktails and live entertainment.
I am beyond tired.
As I already said.
Surprisingly though not from work.
I have had 3 nights off in a row.
Someone get me back to work ASAP
Im going crazy at home.
I tried making dinner tonight.
I called my Grandma to tell her not to make dinner.
I was going to cook for her and send it with my Grandpa when he left our house.
This is big for me. Not only do I rarely cook
but I RARELY make something new.
Or from scratch.
A picture had been floating up on Pinterest today
and I couldn't wait to make it.
When putting in the flour it kind of dumped out.
Crap.
Guess I will just add more chicken broth and butter.
Forgot the sour cream.
Nasty.
I mean, barley edible.
It looked amazing. Super yummy aromas filled my house.
I sent it off with my Grandpa accompanied with a salad.
Called my Grandma to warn her it might taste like flour.
Put mine in the oven.
Sat down with boys to eat and almost threw up.
Called my Grandma to apologize.
She told me it was interesting.
Another interesting to-me and not-to-you Im sure kinda thing..
But its my blog.
My words.
Stop reading if you don't care.
Kidding.
Its the sleep deprivation talking.
Jax is in love.
Yup. My 21/2 year old is in love with Jenna and he has told me about 15 times today.
Jenna is blonde, 6 years old, and lives 3 doors down.
When asking my 1 1/2 year old what his name is (because Im sure he is confused)
He answered RE.
I said is your name Reid?
"YES"
I said, Is your name Josiah
he said "NO"
So there it is I guess he prefers Reid to Josiah.
Vow Renewal planning has been fun this week. We have gotten a lot of things decided.
Besides the date. It has changed 3 times.
No wonder why we eloped in the first place.
Its hard to work with a bazillion peoples schedule!
Not to mention I have a really weird date/number obsession.
It has to be all evens, or meaningful numbers, or in a certain order.
Aiden was born on 6/27/06. I wish it was the 26th.
Jax was born on 1/23 LOVE THAT!
Reid was born on 4/1 APRIL FOOLS. LOVE THAT.
So, Im thinking 7/21/12 Cause it has to be in July. With only 4 Saturdays that is the best.
Ok, enough talking about pointless things.
The inevetible has to happen and it has to  happen before I fall asleep
I have to study.
Study for a test I know Im gonna fail.
UGGGH.
Oh yeah, next Saturday there is a barn sale I have been waiting a year to go to this.
Im just sad Im so broke.
Whatever..it will still be fun.
Goodnight everyone.


Restaurants

Damn you Pinterest

The first time I heard about "pinning" was from my best friend, Alison. She updated her status that she had been "pinning" all night. What the heck was she doing? Some kinda cult thing? Maybe something in the bedroom? Who knows.

She told me all about it. I was confused and lost. In fact for the past 3 months I have had it I have been confused and lost. Until this week and BAM it  hit me how wonderful and inspirational this place is. It's like a wonderland for creative minds.

Uggh, creative minds. What I strive to have. To be able to sew and paint, and build and glue.

All these boards and pins have turned me into a completely obsessed "wanna be" crafter (is that even a word? I want to re-decorate my home. For example..Grey and YELLOW. YELLOW people..I have never once wanted my house to be YELLOW!

And then there is bunting flags and the fact that I am zoned in on buying a sewing machine just so I can make these

And I want to buy (again) a cricut so I can make pretty wooden signs with cute sayings

Im crazy. I cant get enough. Im wondering if my boys will notice me turning their playroom into a craft room..it would be SOOO perfect! I think I want to start a club. A meeting once a week where we just MAKE things. Oh can you imagine the fun! (totally being for real!!)

So in the words of  Pinterest....

HAPPY PINNING!!!!

Remember Me....

October has been an emotionally draining month.

So many tragedies have happened.

To Friends and friends of friends.

Moms forced to bury their babies.
People being diagnosed with disease.

Friends Grandparents passing away.

My heart aches.

My heart fills with pain for all my friends hurting.

I am encouraged by the bravery of each of them.

On the flip side it has gotten me to think a lot.

Think how blessed I am. How much I have.

Think about the person I want to be and

the person I want to be remembered as.

Which is nowhere close

to how I would be remembered if I passed

away right at this very second.

I worked a event at Skye last month.

It was the reception after a funeral.

Pictures of this old man

and all his accomplishments

where everywhere.

I could hear friends and family sit at

their tables telling familiar stories of this man.

Happy stories.

That's what I want.

That day I decided I needed to make changes

in my life.

I need to clean up my dirty mouth.

Stop looking to others for approval and acceptance.

Purify my heart was my prayer.

I want a pure heart.
I want love.

I want honesty.

I want happiness.

I want to be fulfilled.

Not by the things of this world.

I want to live simply.

I want to love and be loved.

I want to give the shirt off my back to others.

I want to make the world a better place.

I want to make a difference.

I am ready to let go all my anger, bitterness and hatred

that has harbored my heart for 3 years.

I am ready to let go and let God.

I want to be the most hands on mother.

I want patience, kindness, and love.

I want to be an encouragement to my friends.

I want compassion and wisdom.

I want to be the best WIFE I can be.

I want to prefer him, die to myself, Patience, love, wisdom, forgiveness, gentleness

and most importantly I want to be a child of God again.

I want to love Jesus. I want my light to shine.

I want to make a difference.



Brothers

This was the the way Jax would watch his little brother for the first few weeks he was brought home from the hospital. A little lot apprehensive, showing signs of jealousy and anger. You see, Jax was barley 14 months old, just started walking, just gave up the bottle, and didn't even have more than 3 words in his vocabulary. He was STILL a baby when we brought home yet another little boy to join our family. I cant imagine all the things that were going through his little mind.

Actually I probably can imagine. You see, shortly after this picture was taken we took the newest baby out of the car seat and Jax slapped him in his head. That's how he felt. "Listen kid, I don't know who you think you are but you are NOT taking my place. IAM the baby"

Over the next few weeks and months Jax warmed up to Reid.

Now, 18 months later, they are the best of friends. 2 peas in a pod. Peanut butter and Jelly. At almost the same size (just a few pounds and a few inches difference) they are more like twins. Jax is so protective over his brother and is always telling him to tag along and play. Don't get me wrong, they can fight with the best of them. Reid is so spoiled and all he has to do is let out a high pitched scream and Jax gives into him. Will hand over his most prized toy just to make his brother happy.

It does my heart good to look over at the table and see this sort of thing, Jax helping his brother eat even though he is more than capable of feeding himself.

Sometimes I let my mind wander to the boys they will be in high school. One a senior, the other a junior. I pray they will be the best of friends, play sports together, do theater, be in a band. Whatever their hearts desire is. I can imagine Reid telling Jax how much he likes the same girl and Jax saying, "you can go for her Reid"

But that is a long way away.

For now, I am enjoying watching these beautiful boys grow up together and share this special bond.

All boys. I have 3 boys. Yes, sometimes I still have to remind myself. I am a mother to 3 amazing, beautiful, smart, and loving boys. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Truth Hurts

I wish I could believe the lyrics to this Third Day Song

"Love Heals Your Heart"

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong
When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart
Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside

I don't know what this post is. Total ramblings. Not being posted on FB, only to my blogging family. People who I know are my true friends. Not people who will judge me. The past 24 hours have been full of surprises. Not the kinda surprises that make you all warm and fuzzy rather the kind of surprises that make you sick to your stomach. The kind of surprises that make you feel like a less than worthy person. As a wife, a mother, and as a woman.

Just icing to my already 15 tier red Velvet cake.

I skipped church today. I didn't want to go and stand next to a man I don't know. I don't want to put on a happy face and smile a fake smile. I want to cry and tell someone how much pain I am in and how my life seems to be crumbling right before my very eyes. Wouldn't that be awesome? When someone asks, "Hey hows it going?" to actually be able to say..."Life hurts right now. In fact it has hurt for many many years and I'm tired of the pain."

My biggest desire in life is to be happy again. To be a good mom. A good person. I don't know how to reach that point anymore. Sometimes when you feel so lost, so far gone? Its hard to find your way back home.

And that's it. I don't feel like writing anymore.

Pity. Party of 1 Please.

In the past 3 days I have had some of my most humbling parenting moments to date. The past 3 days have basically been hell. I'm not asking for pity or anything else. Heck, I haven't asked for any help at all.

J.R. got an offer to go to Texas to work for a few days. Great right? I get the house to myself, I get to set my own pace and see what its like to do it alone. I get a break from the arguing and fighting and I just have to deal with me....and my 3 monkeys.

Well a few days has now turned into 9 days. I am on day 9. The kids seem to just know that I am having a hard time and of course they are fighting more, pooping more (yes I said pooping...for real how many diapers do I have to change this week?) crying more and sleeping less. Pile on that me working and I am completely worn out. At my breaking point.

I have snapped at them, I have yelled at them, I have flat out  locked myself in my room and just cried.

It is a normal for one of the three to act up on a daily basis, but it is rare that ALL 3 of them will do it at THE. EXACT. SAME. TIME.

How about 2 days ago when I decided to take them to the mall and let them play in the play area while my mom and I got to visit? We had to leave with all 3 of them kicking and screaming. You see, as  I said they are not sleeping..so they are devils cranky. I loaded them into my swagger wagon one at a time while the others would be laying IN the parking lot screaming at me. Yes, I was THAT mom. I hustled them into the car, drove to an empty spot in the parking lot and let them have it. And then I drove away from the horrific experience.

I couldn't control my anger. I was embarrassed, mad, frustrated, and flat out exhausted. I had to pull the car over and just cry. I cried and cried. For once, the van was silent besides the sound of me sobbing. I looked back into the van at my boys and all 3 of them were staring at me in horror. This was the first time they had seen their mommy completely loose it.

The last 2 days since the mall experience have been just as bad. All 3 of them were up all night long last night. Kindly they each took separate turns. Thanks guys. I want to cry. I want to run away. But mostly, I want strength. I want patience, I want kindness and I want my heart to be full of love and not anger. (oh yeah, and I want my husband back!)

This morning I was pulling up to drop Aiden off at school. He saw his "best friend" Bradley walking and asked for me to stop and wait so he could walk with him. I did. And as Aiden jumped out of the car he turned back and waved at me and had the biggest smile on his face. Bradley put his hand up to high five him (Bradley is 12 and Aiden is just in awe of him) Aiden jumped up to slap his hand and then skipped off with him.

I drove away smiling bigger than I have in days. Its moments like those, to watch your child grow and to be filled with so much happiness.

Today is a new day. I will be the best mom I can. I will love my children. I will choose to react with patience and love, but I will also be dreaming of a get a way! Major props to all those single mamma's out there. This stuff isn't for sissy's that for sure!

Wrapping up my post I look to my right and see this..my boys playing so nicely together. Makes my heart happy! (don't judge that they aren't dressed and don't have shoes on! LOL)

Who You'd Be Today

Dear Kaitlin,
 The last time I saw you we had some good times. We had some laughs and shared some tears. We also ended our time with a fight. We are both so damn stubborn. Set in our ways and wont back down. I regret that the last time I saw you was when you walked passed me at moms house around 5am with a blanket over your head. My heart told me to reach out and hug you and say goodbye. My stubbornness kept me from doing that. I remember thinking, I will see you next time we fly out and everything will be fine. I will talk to you on the phone and everything will be fine. If only I would have known that 3 weeks later, you would be gone.
That's the not so funny thing about life. There is no way of seeing what the future holds. If you could then I know you would still be here.
Some days, days like today, I daydream about who you'd be today. Of course the country song always pops in my head.

"would you see the world

would you chase your dreams

settle down, raise a family?

I wonder what would you name your baby"

Would we be best friends? Would I have had the Honor of being in your wedding? Would you have called me on the phone to cry and laugh with me? Would you still make fun of me like you always did?
Sometimes I think how awesome it would have been to be mothers together. To share something so deep and so special. I think about how you were so free spirited and you tried your hardest not to be a cookie cutter type of girl. Maybe you would have traveled the world. Or lived your dream and become a ranchers wife.  You spent your whole life wanting to be loved. And so many people loved you Kaitlin. I wish I could have a re-do on life. Kaitlin, I would make sure every single day that you knew you were loved by your big sister.
There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only hope that you are looking down on us and your beautiful nephews and you are at peace. I always tell you that as soon as its my time to go, you better be one of the first people I see. Until then, I sit here and dream about who you'd be today.

Photography Challenge Day 1

A Self Portrait

I rarely ever leave the house with no makeup.

I have frizzy hair.

Seriously, if I dont blow dry it or put tons of product in

Its a disaster.

You can always see the exhaustion in my eyes.

I have horribly uneven and unruly eyebrows.

My nose has a huge bump in it.

Im getting freckles.

And ya know what?

Im ok with that.

Iam who Iam.

God made me perfect to Him.

The closer I get to 30

I feel I am finally starting to feel

comfortable in my own skin.

Thankful that I have 2 eyes that can see

A nose to smell when my stinky kids need a bath

and lips to give sweet kisses.

So, here is my self portrait. Straight out of the shower.

Still have traces of mascara under my eyes

My hair with no product.

But this is me.

First Day of Kindergarten

I packed a lunch today. Not for a play date or a picnic at the park but because my first born was heading out to start school for the first time ever.

Unlike most kids, he didn't go to preschool. I did that with him at home. So today, August 8th, 2011 he officially became a first time student.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was tossing and turning and my nerves were through the roof. I kept thinking about the little things. Does he know what to do with his lunch stuff when he is done? How is he going to treat little girls? Is he going to be bullied? Will he use his manners and be respectful to the teacher? Will he need a nap? What if he gets thirsty? What if he gets a really bad tummy ache or falls of the playground? What if kids make fun of him?

Then I have to have faith in how we have raised him for the past 5 years. We have raised him to be kind to others. To say yes sir and no ma'am. We have taught him that its not ok to put your hands on someone. He knows to clean up his trash and always plays cautious. He is an outstanding, smart all around amazing kid.

It is time for me to let go.

For weeks now he has counted down the days till he started school. This morning I could tell how bad his nerves were setting in. He got shy and quiet. He stayed close to my side. When we got to the class I could tell he was over me taking pictures. He gave me one last good smile and then walked into his room and made his way to a table.

It was amazing how the boys and girls naturally separated themselves.

There was a boy standing behind him that was in tears the whole time. Poor guy. I am thankful Aiden is so independent.

As I was standing in the doorway watching him I signed "I love you" to him about 8 times. He never once signed it back to me. Instead his eyes got real big and he had a smirk on his face while nodding his head.

It sank in. He is officially embarrassed by his mother. And you know what? I will gladly embarass him on every single first day of school. I will always be there taking pictures and singing "I love you" From now until his senior year of college.

30 Day Photo Challenge

I have jumped on the photo challenge bandwagon.  I have nothing to blog about and this will give me a little inspiration. Somewhat of a push in the right direction. Why do I blog? Couple of reasons (by the way  before I go any further I am not doing paragraphs because the format keeps messing up.) I blog because its therapeutic. It feels good to get my thought and feelings out. It feels good to have a few of my girlfriends encourage me and support me. Then there is the morbid reason. You know that song, "If I Die Young?" I think about that kind of stuff often and God forbid I do, I want my kids to know me. Through my pictures, my words, my memories of them. I want them to know how deeply they were loved. Ok, I know that sounds crazy. Now Im gonna be "that crazy girl" But its true. On the flip side, if I live to be 100 it would be really great to see what was going on in my mind at 29 years old. I cant imagine the things I would have blogged about in the past. I would have loved to read what 18 or 19 year old Amy was experiencing or going through. Wait, now that I think about it...never mind. So here it is. 30 days of blogs. 30 pictures. 30 ways to take a sneak peek inside my life. I cant start today (excuses excuses) cause I don't have my camera. I do have a secret though. Anyhow, I will start on Monday. Happy weekend everyone!!

Pointless Ramblings

Warning-

The content of this blog can cause extreme tiredness and might

put you to sleep exactly where you are at.

Do not read while operating heavy machinery or holding a baby.

I love rambling posts cause you can be as scattered as you want. You don't have to write in paragraphs. You don't have to have a beginning, climax, and an ending.

Oh wait, is that the format for a movie? I don't know. I was never very good in school.

I think I could have been but I never really focused. I was always going to be an actress.

Yeah, that was a joke.
I didn't think about college cause I was going to move to Los Angeles.

I'm also a horrible test taker.

Oh goodness. I remember my math teacher in 11th or 12th grade would help me after school and sometimes during lunch and she knew I KNEW the work but as soon as she handed me a test I would fail it.

I have been dealing with a lot of failing issues.

Nothing that I want to get into right now. Speaking of failure...I only lasted 4 days without Facebook. And it wasn't that big of a deal. I did miss some of the girls, but for the most part I had so much more free time. Except the first day.

The first day I was on my phone responding to a zillion texts as to why I took down my FB. Ok, a zillion might be a tad exaggerated.

Anyhow, I logged back on because I had called my long time friend to check on her and see if she had her baby and got the answering machine.

I just had a feeling so I rushed to the computer and sure enough just the day before she had her baby.  BTW, please say a little prayer for her baby, he is in the NICU with low blood sugar.

Amazing how amazing kids are and how at the same time how difficult.

My kids were TERRORS yesterday. I mean it was

a day from HELL. Thankfully I don't have those days very often.

In fact, probably just once a month or so I will call J.R. in tears and beg him

to come home.

This morning they are peaches. They are playing together..telling me how beautiful my

bead head is and Jax is telling me  how cute my PJ's are.

I'm worried about that kid.  Kidding. He is different that's for sure

and I love him so much for that.

Drum roll please.....we are now big kids and have our own health insurance!

Such a huge sigh of relief.

So we knew when the baby was born that he would have hearing problems, ear problems, or could even be deaf. I think his hearing is just fine. At least in one ear, but the Dr's are worried

that he has fluid backed up in his left ear (his cleft side) and will need tubes put in.

No biggie. Tubes? Please. Tubes are nothing compared to what we

have been through as a family in the past 7 years.

Anyhow, today....we get to take him into the Doctor. I am so excited

to get a final answer and help my boy.

I get to go shopping today. Alone. By myself. *yeah, I know that's the definition of alone just wanted

to really stress ALONE* Thank you MIL for the gift card. I think after the mall tonight I'm gonna

go sit in the park and just sit.

Be alone. Look at the stars. If I can see them

I guess there was something called like a Hooobooo last night? I don't know if

that was the right word or not. To me it was a massive dust storm mixed

with rain. It was super humid. I loved it. Besides the frizzy hair.

Oh gosh, I forgot about the frizzy hair. Uggh. Maybe I wont go to NC in the fall.

Ahh, I love North Carolina. My heart is there.

I have been floating on cloud 9 for the past 24 hours after talking to a friend. She encouraged me, let me cry in her ear (we were on the phone) and told me she would

be praying for me. Ahh prayer. I need lots of it. I haven't opened my Bible in 3 years.

I don't know what has happened to my faith lately. I guess I shouldn't say faith. I still have faith.

Somewhat. I don't know. Things have been different and I'm working on

getting my life back. I don't want to give myself a pity

or use lame excuses, but ever since my sister passed life has just been...

DIFFERENT.

My heart, my head...everything changed. I'm working on getting it back to before.

OK, enough about that...time to move on.

Oh my gosh, are you really still reading? This is like the most boring

lame, no point blog
EVER!

Now I cant think of anything to write cause I keep thinking how horribly long

and pointless this has been. So with that I'm gonna say goodbye.

Happy Tuesday!