The "D" Diary...Beauty from Ashes

I have stayed away from blogging for weeks now. For the fear of being fake. For the fear of if I were real and honest the backlash that would result because of it. The ridicule, the gossip, the comments on how I shouldn't be putting myself out there and my personal issues.

I have stayed away for weeks and now it is like a burning in my heart. I need to write and get things off my chest.

Since I have been writing in my blog, I have wrote many times on my marriage. My desire to desperately save my marriage, my giving up on my marriage, the re-birth into what I thought was going to be the beginning to an amazing everlasting love. The Love Dare. The Love Dare failure. Venting, complaining, and being encouraged by my followers amazing words of wisdom. It was only 3 months ago that I promised myself to my husband. I vowed to him that I would be the best wife I could be for him. I vowed to him that I would love him and support him and never ever not even in the heat of the moment bring up the "D" word. Unless one thing happened.

This isn't to go into details of what exactly happened in our marriage. Looking back now it wasn't just one thing. I mean, the last thing..that thing that lead up to me putting my foot down and saying enough is enough was one thing.

But looking back there were SOO many things I did wrong. And that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

My heart is broken. It is filled with so much pain. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel the man I have been married to for almost 8 years is a stranger and our marriage was all lies.

I'm going to be 30 in a few months. I have 3 little boys. I drive a mini-van. I'm suppose to be a family gal. Just last month I told him that I wanted to quit my job and be a full time mom. You know, the kind that has dinner on the table every night. Has all the kids bathed and dressed everyday. Spends the days at the park playing. That was MY desire.

In one split second, because of a lack of control all that was lost. I will now struggle as a single mom. Although ultimately it was something I choose to do, it was not something I wanted to do.

4 weeks later, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right decision. Tomorrow I will be going to court to file the divorce papers that have been sitting on our counter for over 3 weeks. My heart will heal. I will learn to be a single mom and raise 3 amazing, strong, respectful men. And one day, very very far down the road, I will find a man who sweeps me off my feet. Who will love me and my boys. A man who will never lie to me or hurt me.

Until then I'm keeping my focus on my main man upstairs and the 3 little men in my life who are my world.  I will stop at nothing to make sure they are taken care of and being raised in the most loving home possible.

^"To all who mourn in Israel,^[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory."

Pity. Party of 1 Please.

In the past 3 days I have had some of my most humbling parenting moments to date. The past 3 days have basically been hell. I'm not asking for pity or anything else. Heck, I haven't asked for any help at all.

J.R. got an offer to go to Texas to work for a few days. Great right? I get the house to myself, I get to set my own pace and see what its like to do it alone. I get a break from the arguing and fighting and I just have to deal with me....and my 3 monkeys.

Well a few days has now turned into 9 days. I am on day 9. The kids seem to just know that I am having a hard time and of course they are fighting more, pooping more (yes I said pooping...for real how many diapers do I have to change this week?) crying more and sleeping less. Pile on that me working and I am completely worn out. At my breaking point.

I have snapped at them, I have yelled at them, I have flat out  locked myself in my room and just cried.

It is a normal for one of the three to act up on a daily basis, but it is rare that ALL 3 of them will do it at THE. EXACT. SAME. TIME.

How about 2 days ago when I decided to take them to the mall and let them play in the play area while my mom and I got to visit? We had to leave with all 3 of them kicking and screaming. You see, as  I said they are not sleeping..so they are devils cranky. I loaded them into my swagger wagon one at a time while the others would be laying IN the parking lot screaming at me. Yes, I was THAT mom. I hustled them into the car, drove to an empty spot in the parking lot and let them have it. And then I drove away from the horrific experience.

I couldn't control my anger. I was embarrassed, mad, frustrated, and flat out exhausted. I had to pull the car over and just cry. I cried and cried. For once, the van was silent besides the sound of me sobbing. I looked back into the van at my boys and all 3 of them were staring at me in horror. This was the first time they had seen their mommy completely loose it.

The last 2 days since the mall experience have been just as bad. All 3 of them were up all night long last night. Kindly they each took separate turns. Thanks guys. I want to cry. I want to run away. But mostly, I want strength. I want patience, I want kindness and I want my heart to be full of love and not anger. (oh yeah, and I want my husband back!)

This morning I was pulling up to drop Aiden off at school. He saw his "best friend" Bradley walking and asked for me to stop and wait so he could walk with him. I did. And as Aiden jumped out of the car he turned back and waved at me and had the biggest smile on his face. Bradley put his hand up to high five him (Bradley is 12 and Aiden is just in awe of him) Aiden jumped up to slap his hand and then skipped off with him.

I drove away smiling bigger than I have in days. Its moments like those, to watch your child grow and to be filled with so much happiness.

Today is a new day. I will be the best mom I can. I will love my children. I will choose to react with patience and love, but I will also be dreaming of a get a way! Major props to all those single mamma's out there. This stuff isn't for sissy's that for sure!

Wrapping up my post I look to my right and see this..my boys playing so nicely together. Makes my heart happy! (don't judge that they aren't dressed and don't have shoes on! LOL)