Pity. Party of 1 Please.

In the past 3 days I have had some of my most humbling parenting moments to date. The past 3 days have basically been hell. I'm not asking for pity or anything else. Heck, I haven't asked for any help at all.

J.R. got an offer to go to Texas to work for a few days. Great right? I get the house to myself, I get to set my own pace and see what its like to do it alone. I get a break from the arguing and fighting and I just have to deal with me....and my 3 monkeys.

Well a few days has now turned into 9 days. I am on day 9. The kids seem to just know that I am having a hard time and of course they are fighting more, pooping more (yes I said pooping...for real how many diapers do I have to change this week?) crying more and sleeping less. Pile on that me working and I am completely worn out. At my breaking point.

I have snapped at them, I have yelled at them, I have flat out  locked myself in my room and just cried.

It is a normal for one of the three to act up on a daily basis, but it is rare that ALL 3 of them will do it at THE. EXACT. SAME. TIME.

How about 2 days ago when I decided to take them to the mall and let them play in the play area while my mom and I got to visit? We had to leave with all 3 of them kicking and screaming. You see, as  I said they are not sleeping..so they are devils cranky. I loaded them into my swagger wagon one at a time while the others would be laying IN the parking lot screaming at me. Yes, I was THAT mom. I hustled them into the car, drove to an empty spot in the parking lot and let them have it. And then I drove away from the horrific experience.

I couldn't control my anger. I was embarrassed, mad, frustrated, and flat out exhausted. I had to pull the car over and just cry. I cried and cried. For once, the van was silent besides the sound of me sobbing. I looked back into the van at my boys and all 3 of them were staring at me in horror. This was the first time they had seen their mommy completely loose it.

The last 2 days since the mall experience have been just as bad. All 3 of them were up all night long last night. Kindly they each took separate turns. Thanks guys. I want to cry. I want to run away. But mostly, I want strength. I want patience, I want kindness and I want my heart to be full of love and not anger. (oh yeah, and I want my husband back!)

This morning I was pulling up to drop Aiden off at school. He saw his "best friend" Bradley walking and asked for me to stop and wait so he could walk with him. I did. And as Aiden jumped out of the car he turned back and waved at me and had the biggest smile on his face. Bradley put his hand up to high five him (Bradley is 12 and Aiden is just in awe of him) Aiden jumped up to slap his hand and then skipped off with him.

I drove away smiling bigger than I have in days. Its moments like those, to watch your child grow and to be filled with so much happiness.

Today is a new day. I will be the best mom I can. I will love my children. I will choose to react with patience and love, but I will also be dreaming of a get a way! Major props to all those single mamma's out there. This stuff isn't for sissy's that for sure!

Wrapping up my post I look to my right and see this..my boys playing so nicely together. Makes my heart happy! (don't judge that they aren't dressed and don't have shoes on! LOL)

Hate

"I hate my life" my newly 5 year old son screamed at me yesterday. I don't remember what I said or did to make him go into such a frenzy but this was the first time he had said it and it hurt me greatly.

For the most part Aiden, which fittingly means "fiery" is a really great kid. He is loving, compassionate, sensitive, caring, and polite. Then his episodes come out. It use to happen once a day and has slowly declined to about every 2 months. (thank you JESUS!)

I wasn't prepared for this episode. It came out of left field. At first I got angry even though I didn't let him see it. I pulled him aside and described all the wonderful things he has in his life. Love, shelter, toys, clothes, food, Wii, go kart..well you get the point.

We were getting ready to go to the grocery store right before his episode happened. While at the store he picked out some high sugar, nasty, Super Mario brothers fruit snacks. He begged for them. I used this chance to explain to him how great his life is and GASP I allowed him to put them in the cart.

Fast forward to tonight. I didn't have a chance to tell J.R. what Aiden had said to me the night before because I worked so we were all sitting on the couch and I told him. J.R. acted very calmly and asked Aiden what his favorite toys were. Aiden listed them off and J.R. asked him to go get them all and bring them to him. He explained to him that since he hated his life so much his favorite toys would be givin to another family. He cried and said, "yes sir" and brought every single toy to his dad and put them in a garbage bag. Next was clothes. We put his favorite shirt in the bag. Then J.R. asked him to take off all his clothes besides his under ware.  And then, the Super Mario fruit snacks were next. We took his favorite toys, clothes, and food away from him and sent him to bed. In his under ware and without his favorite blanket.

I tucked  him in and explained to him how precious our life is. How his mommy and daddy love him so much and will always do everything we can to make him have a happy life.  We weren't just talking about materialistic stuff but most of it was. He is only 5. That's what registers to him.

As I looked in his big brown eyes and stroked his forehead and got teary eyed. I got tears in my eyes thinking about how much I do love this little man. How he was my first born. How the first time I held him in my arms I never would have thought such a precious thing would ever say such a mean thing. But, he is human. And he will make mistakes, and break my heart. At the end of the day, he knows  how much his mamma and daddy love him and adore him. And I think tonight, as he fell asleep it really sank in how blessed he is.