The "D" Diary... Petitioner Please

I held on to the "D" papers for 3 weeks. For 3 weeks they sat on my counter. I think sub consciously I wasn't filing them. Maybe I wasn't ready. Ready to admit my marriage was over. So many things happened in that 3 weeks that made me realize it was indeed over. Reasons only few know and that again wont be brought up at this time on blog.

I woke up on a Thursday morning with such peace. That is was time to take the papers in to the courts to be filed. I knew it had to be done the next morning.

With the set back of filling out the papers in blue ink instead of black ink all was ready to go. My mom and Grandma took the boys for me for the day. I'm glad they did. I wasn't ready for the emotional basket case I would be.

After going through security and hearing everyone joyfully saying, "Merry Christmas" By the way, it was the day before Christmas Eve. All I wanted to do was cry and tell everyone to stop being so jolly and let me  have my depressing moment. I even spotted another woman a little older than me looking for the right papers at the self service center. I wanted to reach out and hug her. Like I stated above. Complete basket case! Anyhow, went through the jolly, happy security and walked the green mile. At least the hallway felt like it. It was cold and empty and seemed to go on for miles.

I had my emotions under control. I handed the clerk my papers and my copies. All I said was, "I need to file these" She looked them over. Probably seeing that I have 3 boys and now a failed marriage and looked up to size me up. Felt like the biggest failure. I feel the knot in my throat warm up like a big ball of fire.

She got out 3 large stamps or seals or something. And started pounding every single paper with them. Every time she stamped the page it felt as if a knife was stabbing my heart every time. One tear fell, then the floodgates were unleashed. Why did this hurt so bad? This is what I wanted. Or is it? At least I know its what I need to do. For the safety of myself and my boys.

I stood there for about 20 min while she stabbed my heart stamped the papers. I asked her what my next step was. She told me I have to go get papers to serve him then turn those in and wait for a judge. ya da ya da ya da.

8 years ago we eloped in Vegas. It was as simple as showing our  ID at the courthouse and signing a paper. Maybe if it would have been more difficult to get married, I wouldn't be in this place.

I composed myself. Walked out of the courthouse on a freezing, windy, Christmas Eve Eve. I have never felt so alone. So empty. So heartbroken. At the same time so at peace and relieved. Most of all, so proud of myself. I was finally sticking up for what was right.

Truth Hurts

I wish I could believe the lyrics to this Third Day Song

"Love Heals Your Heart"

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong
When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart
Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside

I don't know what this post is. Total ramblings. Not being posted on FB, only to my blogging family. People who I know are my true friends. Not people who will judge me. The past 24 hours have been full of surprises. Not the kinda surprises that make you all warm and fuzzy rather the kind of surprises that make you sick to your stomach. The kind of surprises that make you feel like a less than worthy person. As a wife, a mother, and as a woman.

Just icing to my already 15 tier red Velvet cake.

I skipped church today. I didn't want to go and stand next to a man I don't know. I don't want to put on a happy face and smile a fake smile. I want to cry and tell someone how much pain I am in and how my life seems to be crumbling right before my very eyes. Wouldn't that be awesome? When someone asks, "Hey hows it going?" to actually be able to say..."Life hurts right now. In fact it has hurt for many many years and I'm tired of the pain."

My biggest desire in life is to be happy again. To be a good mom. A good person. I don't know how to reach that point anymore. Sometimes when you feel so lost, so far gone? Its hard to find your way back home.

And that's it. I don't feel like writing anymore.