The "D" Diary...Beauty from Ashes

I have stayed away from blogging for weeks now. For the fear of being fake. For the fear of if I were real and honest the backlash that would result because of it. The ridicule, the gossip, the comments on how I shouldn't be putting myself out there and my personal issues.

I have stayed away for weeks and now it is like a burning in my heart. I need to write and get things off my chest.

Since I have been writing in my blog, I have wrote many times on my marriage. My desire to desperately save my marriage, my giving up on my marriage, the re-birth into what I thought was going to be the beginning to an amazing everlasting love. The Love Dare. The Love Dare failure. Venting, complaining, and being encouraged by my followers amazing words of wisdom. It was only 3 months ago that I promised myself to my husband. I vowed to him that I would be the best wife I could be for him. I vowed to him that I would love him and support him and never ever not even in the heat of the moment bring up the "D" word. Unless one thing happened.

This isn't to go into details of what exactly happened in our marriage. Looking back now it wasn't just one thing. I mean, the last thing..that thing that lead up to me putting my foot down and saying enough is enough was one thing.

But looking back there were SOO many things I did wrong. And that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

My heart is broken. It is filled with so much pain. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel the man I have been married to for almost 8 years is a stranger and our marriage was all lies.

I'm going to be 30 in a few months. I have 3 little boys. I drive a mini-van. I'm suppose to be a family gal. Just last month I told him that I wanted to quit my job and be a full time mom. You know, the kind that has dinner on the table every night. Has all the kids bathed and dressed everyday. Spends the days at the park playing. That was MY desire.

In one split second, because of a lack of control all that was lost. I will now struggle as a single mom. Although ultimately it was something I choose to do, it was not something I wanted to do.

4 weeks later, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right decision. Tomorrow I will be going to court to file the divorce papers that have been sitting on our counter for over 3 weeks. My heart will heal. I will learn to be a single mom and raise 3 amazing, strong, respectful men. And one day, very very far down the road, I will find a man who sweeps me off my feet. Who will love me and my boys. A man who will never lie to me or hurt me.

Until then I'm keeping my focus on my main man upstairs and the 3 little men in my life who are my world.  I will stop at nothing to make sure they are taken care of and being raised in the most loving home possible.

^"To all who mourn in Israel,^[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory."

Reflection time..

Blogging works wonders in more than one way.

Tonight was a tuff one with the kids. No naps all day. Fighting, kicking and screaming all afternoon. Messy house, no time to cook dinner and then throw in mother nature for me and you have a recipe for disaster. Oh yeah..today was tuff.

Needless to say I put the wild animals boys down at 6:30 tonight. A record for me. I mopped the floor then sat down to have some "me" computer time. Escape to the make believe world artistic design and catching up on all my cyber friends day. Then I started to miss my boys. The same boys that almost brought me to tears just minutes before.

But they are MY boys. My babies that I was able to carry in my tummy. My boys that I could call my own. At the end of the day, no matter how horrific they might be. No matter how many times they will embarrass me at the store because of throwing fits, no matter how many times Jax says, "Mom, don't talk to me right now"..they are MY boys. Always and forever. I will be their mamma. I will love them through their acts of disobedience and I will guide them with loving hands.

So I sit here at 8:30 pm. Reflecting. I didn't send the kids to bed with a bedtime story tonight. I simply tucked them in kissed them goodnight and told them.."Sleep good. Tomorrow will be a better day. I love you."


A few shots from today and yesterday. Kids dumping all the stuff out of baby's closet so they can hang on the bar. My (self diagnosed) broken toe. Aiden playing checkers with Nana. Dinner being thrown on the table while Aiden is screaming at me he wants grapes. Then screaming at me to stop taking pictures. And tonight..I decided to bring the outdoor rug and put it under our table for a pop of color. Ahh, the little things in life.

Brothers

This was the the way Jax would watch his little brother for the first few weeks he was brought home from the hospital. A little lot apprehensive, showing signs of jealousy and anger. You see, Jax was barley 14 months old, just started walking, just gave up the bottle, and didn't even have more than 3 words in his vocabulary. He was STILL a baby when we brought home yet another little boy to join our family. I cant imagine all the things that were going through his little mind.

Actually I probably can imagine. You see, shortly after this picture was taken we took the newest baby out of the car seat and Jax slapped him in his head. That's how he felt. "Listen kid, I don't know who you think you are but you are NOT taking my place. IAM the baby"

Over the next few weeks and months Jax warmed up to Reid.

Now, 18 months later, they are the best of friends. 2 peas in a pod. Peanut butter and Jelly. At almost the same size (just a few pounds and a few inches difference) they are more like twins. Jax is so protective over his brother and is always telling him to tag along and play. Don't get me wrong, they can fight with the best of them. Reid is so spoiled and all he has to do is let out a high pitched scream and Jax gives into him. Will hand over his most prized toy just to make his brother happy.

It does my heart good to look over at the table and see this sort of thing, Jax helping his brother eat even though he is more than capable of feeding himself.

Sometimes I let my mind wander to the boys they will be in high school. One a senior, the other a junior. I pray they will be the best of friends, play sports together, do theater, be in a band. Whatever their hearts desire is. I can imagine Reid telling Jax how much he likes the same girl and Jax saying, "you can go for her Reid"

But that is a long way away.

For now, I am enjoying watching these beautiful boys grow up together and share this special bond.

All boys. I have 3 boys. Yes, sometimes I still have to remind myself. I am a mother to 3 amazing, beautiful, smart, and loving boys. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Pointless Ramblings

Warning-

The content of this blog can cause extreme tiredness and might

put you to sleep exactly where you are at.

Do not read while operating heavy machinery or holding a baby.

I love rambling posts cause you can be as scattered as you want. You don't have to write in paragraphs. You don't have to have a beginning, climax, and an ending.

Oh wait, is that the format for a movie? I don't know. I was never very good in school.

I think I could have been but I never really focused. I was always going to be an actress.

Yeah, that was a joke.
I didn't think about college cause I was going to move to Los Angeles.

I'm also a horrible test taker.

Oh goodness. I remember my math teacher in 11th or 12th grade would help me after school and sometimes during lunch and she knew I KNEW the work but as soon as she handed me a test I would fail it.

I have been dealing with a lot of failing issues.

Nothing that I want to get into right now. Speaking of failure...I only lasted 4 days without Facebook. And it wasn't that big of a deal. I did miss some of the girls, but for the most part I had so much more free time. Except the first day.

The first day I was on my phone responding to a zillion texts as to why I took down my FB. Ok, a zillion might be a tad exaggerated.

Anyhow, I logged back on because I had called my long time friend to check on her and see if she had her baby and got the answering machine.

I just had a feeling so I rushed to the computer and sure enough just the day before she had her baby.  BTW, please say a little prayer for her baby, he is in the NICU with low blood sugar.

Amazing how amazing kids are and how at the same time how difficult.

My kids were TERRORS yesterday. I mean it was

a day from HELL. Thankfully I don't have those days very often.

In fact, probably just once a month or so I will call J.R. in tears and beg him

to come home.

This morning they are peaches. They are playing together..telling me how beautiful my

bead head is and Jax is telling me  how cute my PJ's are.

I'm worried about that kid.  Kidding. He is different that's for sure

and I love him so much for that.

Drum roll please.....we are now big kids and have our own health insurance!

Such a huge sigh of relief.

So we knew when the baby was born that he would have hearing problems, ear problems, or could even be deaf. I think his hearing is just fine. At least in one ear, but the Dr's are worried

that he has fluid backed up in his left ear (his cleft side) and will need tubes put in.

No biggie. Tubes? Please. Tubes are nothing compared to what we

have been through as a family in the past 7 years.

Anyhow, today....we get to take him into the Doctor. I am so excited

to get a final answer and help my boy.

I get to go shopping today. Alone. By myself. *yeah, I know that's the definition of alone just wanted

to really stress ALONE* Thank you MIL for the gift card. I think after the mall tonight I'm gonna

go sit in the park and just sit.

Be alone. Look at the stars. If I can see them

I guess there was something called like a Hooobooo last night? I don't know if

that was the right word or not. To me it was a massive dust storm mixed

with rain. It was super humid. I loved it. Besides the frizzy hair.

Oh gosh, I forgot about the frizzy hair. Uggh. Maybe I wont go to NC in the fall.

Ahh, I love North Carolina. My heart is there.

I have been floating on cloud 9 for the past 24 hours after talking to a friend. She encouraged me, let me cry in her ear (we were on the phone) and told me she would

be praying for me. Ahh prayer. I need lots of it. I haven't opened my Bible in 3 years.

I don't know what has happened to my faith lately. I guess I shouldn't say faith. I still have faith.

Somewhat. I don't know. Things have been different and I'm working on

getting my life back. I don't want to give myself a pity

or use lame excuses, but ever since my sister passed life has just been...

DIFFERENT.

My heart, my head...everything changed. I'm working on getting it back to before.

OK, enough about that...time to move on.

Oh my gosh, are you really still reading? This is like the most boring

lame, no point blog
EVER!

Now I cant think of anything to write cause I keep thinking how horribly long

and pointless this has been. So with that I'm gonna say goodbye.

Happy Tuesday!