A moment to myself

I had such great intentions today. I cleaned #1 and #2's room first thing in the morning. I was gonna get the rest of the house done during nap time. Then I made one huge mistake. I read my friend, Christine's blog (http://collinsincorona.blogspot.com/ ) I read her current one and then I thought, "wow she has posted 301 blogs. I wonder what her first one said" I went to the kitchen brewed a pot of coffee and sat down to read. Tears were streaming down my face because she and I have had similar experiences when it comes to our kids (we have been prego just about all 3 times together, her first she found out she was pregnant the day I was having Aiden) I feel like I can learn so much from her, she is an amazing mom and I would recommend checking out her blogs....


OK so the point of this is just how fast life passes us by. One min. I am freaking out because I'm about to give birth to my FIRST child and I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I remember thinking my life was OVER. Now here I am 4 years later with 3 amazing boys. I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now. I don't even know how to get my words out without rambling sounding like a drunk woman. I am so amazingly blessed. How awesome is it that God choose ME to be these boys moms? And one day (once the economy is better and my marriage is rock solid) I pray the Lord blessed me with a little girl!!




So this is what I gave up today to spend some reflection time:

A very messy living room-

A very messy kitchen complete with lunch still left out from over an hour ago

The "sitting reading" room- Again, a MESS!

(p.s. I cant wait to get that back wall painted!!)

All this mess because of 3 little monkeys who I so very very much

Let me know....

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  So, I want to know what YOU want me to write about. If you dont have a Blogger account just leave it under my FB comments. I will write about the most exciting topic. No topic is off limits. It can be about being a wife, friend, mom, wild child, Christian, cooking, hobbies, politics (that would be boring) anything you can think of.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

A letter to my Sister

There is a video in the middle of the page. You have to push play.

This is what I wish I could say to my sister if she were still here:

Dear Sis,

Hi. I have missed you so much for the past 2 years. Lets grab a cup of coffee soon and just talk. Tell me about everything. Your hopes and fears your dreams and your heartache. I dont want to say a word. I just want to hear you talk for hours and listen. Let me know what works best for you. I am available anytime. Whenever works for you. Im here.

Love you forever,

Your big Sis.

This is what I want to say now that shes not:

Dear Sis,

I literally cant see what Im typing becuase hot tears are streaming down my face so fast I cant wipe them fast enough. I am so angry right now and filled with SO much pain. I am very happy that you are in a peacful place and with your heavenly daddy but I miss you. IM selfish and want more than anything for you to be here. I want my little sister back. You have 2 new nephews since you have been gone. Can you beleive that? 3 boys! Thats what you always wanted to have. Im pretty sure you have something to do with that since you have direct contact to the man above. LOL

Im so angry cause I have to live a lifetime without my only sister. I have to live with such deep heartbreak. Everyone's heart is still breaking. We all miss you Kait. I cant even write anymore. My eyes burn so much. I cant wait to see you one day sis. I just pray you are waiting up there and will be the first person (besided Jesus of course!) to welcome me. Then we can sit and have our coffee. Gosh darn. I am so sad without you.

Till we meet again,

Your big sis.

I have to much on my mind.

I have one of many terrible character flaws. I live in the past. I am a daydreamer. I lay in bed at night thinking about when times were easier. When life was simple. For example, living in Riverside, Ca I remember being able to go play outside all day long. Riding bikes with my bestie Christine (who had the most awesome basket on her bike! LOL) We didn't have to come in until the street lights turned on. Or fast forward to high school. Cape Carteret, N.C. what did I do on the weekends? Go out on dates with my boyfriend. Poor guy probably spent so much money on me and I didn't even realize it. I never ever once paid for anything. And then there was Emerald Isle. Laying under the Pier going for a swim in the warm water. Ahhh life was good.

I dont know if there is a common thread here but my life was always simple, until one major thing happened. I met my husband. I guess we started off rocky. I mean we have always had big hurdles to cross from addictions problems, money problems, him having cancer at such a young age, traumatic pregnancy loss, infidelity, child born with birth defect, and it seems the list goes on and on.

I'm gonna go off on a rabbit trail here. I think Satan uses facebook to attack us. I am so happy for all my friends who have done well in life and seem to be blissfully happy. I cant help but be envious when I see beautiful wedding pictures (i eloped in Vegas) Pictures of new parents holding their first born (I feel like I have been a parent forever) All the excitements of the firsts. I get jealous because I KNEW better. I knew what I should and shouldn't have done in life. I don't know why life ends up the way it does but for some reason this is the life I choose.

Wow, with all that said I want to point out that I LOVE My life as a mom and wife. I really do. I just miss when days were easier and life was simpler. I miss being selfish. I miss spending MY money at the mall and not on diapers. Again, I CHOOSE this life. I CHOOSE to have each of my kids (well not Reid, he was a WONDERFUL surprise)

Ok, so back to the past. I need to stop doing that. I have a great life. I have a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful boys, a comfortable home, amazing friends throughout the whole U.S. and a family who loves me so much.

Here's another rabbit trail. My husband....I mentioned above that we started out on a rocky foundation. Thats no surprise. Everyone knows we kinda did everything backwards. Well I have realized in the past few months that I have been holding a lot of anger and bitterness towards him for the past 7 years. I have blamed him for our pregnancy before we got married. I blame him for wisking me off to Vegas to get married (although I was a willing participant) I blame him for what he did early in our marriage, I blame him for never being able to go back to N.C. I blame him for MY infidelity, I blame him for everything. And that isn't right. I am working on forgiveness. I have realized that HE isn't the issue in our marriage. I AM. I am building this wall up and not letting him in and I have been doing this for years. I need to let the past go and press on to the future. He is a great man with a great heart and best of all he is probably the greatest father anyone could ever ask for. We have been through so much in the almost 7 years of marriage. I look forward to having a happy and healthy marriage with him and growing old with him.

Wow, blogging really does wonders. I started this blog kinda sad and depressed. I am signing off so incredibly grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life!

50 random facts about me

So I got this idea from Christine and I guess we are suppose to keep this going. I would LOVE to read 50 things about each of you but I have a hard time believing there is anything exciting to read about me. So I will try and come up with 50 useless but interesting facts about myself.

1) If you know me well you know I am a nazai when it comes to time. I will never be late for anything. Even with 3 kids.

2) I told J.R. when we first got married I would have 3 boys. (just had a feeling)

3) When people ask, "Where are you from?" I really dont know how to answer. Aprox 9 years in Cali Aporox 6 years in Colorado over the course of 15 years and Aprox 7 years in North Carolina. (ok, that only adds up to 22...hummm see I dont even know where I have lived!!!) OH wait...one year now in Arizona!!

4) I use to want to be an actress. Thats how I came to Cali. I had a dream......

5) I met J.R. at a Bible College where we got kicked out of not only once, but twice. We are still to this day on the N.A.O.P. list (not allowed on properity)

6) I have a best friend in each place that I have lived. So Cal, Nor Cal, Colorado, North Carolina, and Arizona.

7) I have done some horrible things in my past.

8) I use to work at Hooters in Wilmington, N.C.

9) I have been engaged 2 times. Once for about a year and the other for about a minute!! LOL

10) I am very very close to my mom. I talk to her on the phone every single day and I try to see her atleast once a week!

11) I have never met my biological father.

12) I have lost 2 babies in the womb. The first one was a very tramadic experience (eptopic pregnancy and my tube actucally ruptured and I almost died) I strongly strongly know that one was my little girl.

13) I love to read. As long as its fiction and not conviction!

14) I want more kids.

15) I am opening a new tab to look at Christines to get some ideas....

16) I always wanted to be a cowgirl. I use to barral race and I loved riding horses.

17) My love language is gifts and I dont know if J.R. has figured this out in the past 7 years even though I tell him all the time.

18) I would go back in a heartbeat to N.C. if given the chance.

19) I have always looked at the clock at exactly 5:55 Totally random and totally freaky. Then I dated someone hows favorite number was 5-5-5. We were so obsessed we wanted to get married on that date but didnt want to wait 4 years. Good thing cause we were broken up by then.

20) I have been on a tv show. More than once.

21) I have kissed a B-List celebrity.

22) I cant think of anything else.

23) I am very emotional. I cry a lot. Especially when I feel I have upsetted someone.

24) I love the water. Ocean, lake, pool, bath

25) When I was 20 I won Miss Hawaiian Tropics for Eastern N.C.

26) I should have graduated in 2000 but CHOOSE to graduate in 2001

27) I am a middle child. Even though my sister is no longer with us I still consider myself the middle. Not the youngest.

28) Speaking of my sister. I will never forgive myself for fighting with her the last time I saw her.

29) My big brother is amazing. We are TOTAL opposites but thats what makes him so wonderful!!

30) I am a very cheap person. I use to not be but now I am.

31) I love love love being in labor. I just think it is amazing.

32) I think my oldest son needs medication of some sort. Dont know what, but he needs SOMETHING

33) I hate to cook

34) I get so overwhelmed so easily. I have recently started having anxiety attacks (in the past 4 years)

35) I am addicted to coffee

36) I would love to get a boob job

37) Im obsessed with Craiglist and wont buy furniture new!

38) I have a major sweet tooth and I have no self control

39) I have an incredibly addictive personality

40) I just locked my kids out of the room so I could finish

41) I wish I was a better Christian

42) I change my mind....a lot

43) I love to drink. Thats why I dont very often.

44) I cant dance or sing

45) I only have one credit card that is maxed out and I cant seem to pay off. Anything we want we save and pay cash for.

46) I wish I could live in the 70's. I would be disco queen.

47) If you would have asked me 10 years ago where I would be in 10 years...this is not even close to what I would have said...but I love my life.

48) I need help

49) I wish people would forgive me for my past actions.

50) I need a vacation. DESPERTLY!!!