I have one of many terrible character flaws. I live in the past. I am a daydreamer. I lay in bed at night thinking about when times were easier. When life was simple. For example, living in Riverside, Ca I remember being able to go play outside all day long. Riding bikes with my bestie Christine (who had the most awesome basket on her bike! LOL) We didn't have to come in until the street lights turned on. Or fast forward to high school. Cape Carteret, N.C. what did I do on the weekends? Go out on dates with my boyfriend. Poor guy probably spent so much money on me and I didn't even realize it. I never ever once paid for anything. And then there was Emerald Isle. Laying under the Pier going for a swim in the warm water. Ahhh life was good.
I dont know if there is a common thread here but my life was always simple, until one major thing happened. I met my husband. I guess we started off rocky. I mean we have always had big hurdles to cross from addictions problems, money problems, him having cancer at such a young age, traumatic pregnancy loss, infidelity, child born with birth defect, and it seems the list goes on and on.
I'm gonna go off on a rabbit trail here. I think Satan uses facebook to attack us. I am so happy for all my friends who have done well in life and seem to be blissfully happy. I cant help but be envious when I see beautiful wedding pictures (i eloped in Vegas) Pictures of new parents holding their first born (I feel like I have been a parent forever) All the excitements of the firsts. I get jealous because I KNEW better. I knew what I should and shouldn't have done in life. I don't know why life ends up the way it does but for some reason this is the life I choose.
Wow, with all that said I want to point out that I LOVE My life as a mom and wife. I really do. I just miss when days were easier and life was simpler. I miss being selfish. I miss spending MY money at the mall and not on diapers. Again, I CHOOSE this life. I CHOOSE to have each of my kids (well not Reid, he was a WONDERFUL surprise)
Ok, so back to the past. I need to stop doing that. I have a great life. I have a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful boys, a comfortable home, amazing friends throughout the whole U.S. and a family who loves me so much.
Here's another rabbit trail. My husband....I mentioned above that we started out on a rocky foundation. Thats no surprise. Everyone knows we kinda did everything backwards. Well I have realized in the past few months that I have been holding a lot of anger and bitterness towards him for the past 7 years. I have blamed him for our pregnancy before we got married. I blame him for wisking me off to Vega
s to get married (although I was a willing participant) I blame him for what he did early in our marriage, I blame him for never being able to go back to N.C. I blame him for MY infidelity, I blame him for everything. And that isn't right. I am working on forgiveness. I have realized that HE isn't the issue in our marriage. I AM. I am building this wall up and not letting him in and I have been doing this for years. I need to let the past go and press on to the future. He is a great man with a great heart and best of all he is probably the greatest father anyone could ever ask for. We have been through so much in the almost 7 years of marriage. I look forward to having a happy and healthy marriage with him and growing old with him.
s to get married (although I was a willing participant) I blame him for what he did early in our marriage, I blame him for never being able to go back to N.C. I blame him for MY infidelity, I blame him for everything. And that isn't right. I am working on forgiveness. I have realized that HE isn't the issue in our marriage. I AM. I am building this wall up and not letting him in and I have been doing this for years. I need to let the past go and press on to the future. He is a great man with a great heart and best of all he is probably the greatest father anyone could ever ask for. We have been through so much in the almost 7 years of marriage. I look forward to having a happy and healthy marriage with him and growing old with him.Wow, blogging really does wonders. I started this blog kinda sad and depressed. I am signing off so incredibly grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life!
Thank you for sharing that and being real and open and honest with yourself. Blogging does do wonders (keep it up).
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about facebook, and what I have come to realize is that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. People like to expose their perfect side. That's just how it is. But blogging about your inner most thoughts can be good and bad too. i have found, when i really let loose and open up, I get a lot lot of readers but no response. That is why i want to let you know I read. I care. And i'm praying for you. You are such an amazing person and even though you don't see growth or change in your life, God is working in you behind the scenes. Keep your chin up. I love ya so so very much. And know, I do the same (about living in the past). ;)
I want to add to what Christine said - you never know what goes on behind "closed doors". It's so easy to see pretty pictures, and happy posts on facebook and think "their life must be wonderful..." but NO ONE is blissfully happy. No one. We all carry our burdons/scars/baggage from life. You are awesome for being so open and honest about yours.
ReplyDeleteI have a bad habbit of thinking back to simpler times; less responsibility, more freedom, etc... I also have a bad habbit of dwelling on the bad family-things that happend in my past and getting depressed/angry about it. But I have to remember that goodtimes are always in mine and your future! God's plan for all his children is to prosper and bear much fruit. HIS plan for us is great things as long as we follow in Christ's footsteps.
One thing I recently learned is that we shouldn't be ashamed of the blemishes of our past (something I deal with) - God doesn't make mistakes and HE will use the weaknesses/mistakes/hardtimes of our past to make us better/stronger witnesses of his glory and forgiveness. Wow! I did NOT mean to get on a soapbox but you're a dear friend of mine and I hope to offer you some support and know you're not alone!!!
What a BEAUTIFUL post Amy! It is so wonderful to see how the Lord works ALL things for His good in our lives. I will agree with those posts above - no one has a perfect life. Joel and I have definitely had our share of hardships - this past weekend I heard a quote that really hit home to me "It's not your circumstances but how you choose to deal with them that matters." You are choosing to move on toward healing and strength. You are choosing to let go of what is behind and press on to the future. Hang in there and know that what you see "on-line" is not necessarily everything that goes on AND there are times that it really may be a wonderful point in their life but know that we all have good, bad and ugly part in our lives. You are so incredible and so wonderful - keep on pressing forward in Christ and the rest will come.
ReplyDeleteI love it!! You are such an amazing woman and I am truly blessed to have the chance to watch you. We all go through trials in our marraige. I am in one now though to some it seems silly to me it is big. The important thing is to do what you said, let go of the past and press on towards the future. Love you girlie!!
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