Truth Hurts

I wish I could believe the lyrics to this Third Day Song

"Love Heals Your Heart"

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong
When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart
Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside

I don't know what this post is. Total ramblings. Not being posted on FB, only to my blogging family. People who I know are my true friends. Not people who will judge me. The past 24 hours have been full of surprises. Not the kinda surprises that make you all warm and fuzzy rather the kind of surprises that make you sick to your stomach. The kind of surprises that make you feel like a less than worthy person. As a wife, a mother, and as a woman.

Just icing to my already 15 tier red Velvet cake.

I skipped church today. I didn't want to go and stand next to a man I don't know. I don't want to put on a happy face and smile a fake smile. I want to cry and tell someone how much pain I am in and how my life seems to be crumbling right before my very eyes. Wouldn't that be awesome? When someone asks, "Hey hows it going?" to actually be able to say..."Life hurts right now. In fact it has hurt for many many years and I'm tired of the pain."

My biggest desire in life is to be happy again. To be a good mom. A good person. I don't know how to reach that point anymore. Sometimes when you feel so lost, so far gone? Its hard to find your way back home.

And that's it. I don't feel like writing anymore.

Pity. Party of 1 Please.

In the past 3 days I have had some of my most humbling parenting moments to date. The past 3 days have basically been hell. I'm not asking for pity or anything else. Heck, I haven't asked for any help at all.

J.R. got an offer to go to Texas to work for a few days. Great right? I get the house to myself, I get to set my own pace and see what its like to do it alone. I get a break from the arguing and fighting and I just have to deal with me....and my 3 monkeys.

Well a few days has now turned into 9 days. I am on day 9. The kids seem to just know that I am having a hard time and of course they are fighting more, pooping more (yes I said pooping...for real how many diapers do I have to change this week?) crying more and sleeping less. Pile on that me working and I am completely worn out. At my breaking point.

I have snapped at them, I have yelled at them, I have flat out  locked myself in my room and just cried.

It is a normal for one of the three to act up on a daily basis, but it is rare that ALL 3 of them will do it at THE. EXACT. SAME. TIME.

How about 2 days ago when I decided to take them to the mall and let them play in the play area while my mom and I got to visit? We had to leave with all 3 of them kicking and screaming. You see, as  I said they are not sleeping..so they are devils cranky. I loaded them into my swagger wagon one at a time while the others would be laying IN the parking lot screaming at me. Yes, I was THAT mom. I hustled them into the car, drove to an empty spot in the parking lot and let them have it. And then I drove away from the horrific experience.

I couldn't control my anger. I was embarrassed, mad, frustrated, and flat out exhausted. I had to pull the car over and just cry. I cried and cried. For once, the van was silent besides the sound of me sobbing. I looked back into the van at my boys and all 3 of them were staring at me in horror. This was the first time they had seen their mommy completely loose it.

The last 2 days since the mall experience have been just as bad. All 3 of them were up all night long last night. Kindly they each took separate turns. Thanks guys. I want to cry. I want to run away. But mostly, I want strength. I want patience, I want kindness and I want my heart to be full of love and not anger. (oh yeah, and I want my husband back!)

This morning I was pulling up to drop Aiden off at school. He saw his "best friend" Bradley walking and asked for me to stop and wait so he could walk with him. I did. And as Aiden jumped out of the car he turned back and waved at me and had the biggest smile on his face. Bradley put his hand up to high five him (Bradley is 12 and Aiden is just in awe of him) Aiden jumped up to slap his hand and then skipped off with him.

I drove away smiling bigger than I have in days. Its moments like those, to watch your child grow and to be filled with so much happiness.

Today is a new day. I will be the best mom I can. I will love my children. I will choose to react with patience and love, but I will also be dreaming of a get a way! Major props to all those single mamma's out there. This stuff isn't for sissy's that for sure!

Wrapping up my post I look to my right and see this..my boys playing so nicely together. Makes my heart happy! (don't judge that they aren't dressed and don't have shoes on! LOL)

Who You'd Be Today

Dear Kaitlin,
 The last time I saw you we had some good times. We had some laughs and shared some tears. We also ended our time with a fight. We are both so damn stubborn. Set in our ways and wont back down. I regret that the last time I saw you was when you walked passed me at moms house around 5am with a blanket over your head. My heart told me to reach out and hug you and say goodbye. My stubbornness kept me from doing that. I remember thinking, I will see you next time we fly out and everything will be fine. I will talk to you on the phone and everything will be fine. If only I would have known that 3 weeks later, you would be gone.
That's the not so funny thing about life. There is no way of seeing what the future holds. If you could then I know you would still be here.
Some days, days like today, I daydream about who you'd be today. Of course the country song always pops in my head.

"would you see the world

would you chase your dreams

settle down, raise a family?

I wonder what would you name your baby"

Would we be best friends? Would I have had the Honor of being in your wedding? Would you have called me on the phone to cry and laugh with me? Would you still make fun of me like you always did?
Sometimes I think how awesome it would have been to be mothers together. To share something so deep and so special. I think about how you were so free spirited and you tried your hardest not to be a cookie cutter type of girl. Maybe you would have traveled the world. Or lived your dream and become a ranchers wife.  You spent your whole life wanting to be loved. And so many people loved you Kaitlin. I wish I could have a re-do on life. Kaitlin, I would make sure every single day that you knew you were loved by your big sister.
There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only hope that you are looking down on us and your beautiful nephews and you are at peace. I always tell you that as soon as its my time to go, you better be one of the first people I see. Until then, I sit here and dream about who you'd be today.