Such deep pain..

My sister lived with a pain that I couldn't relate to for 14 months. 14 months she lived with a hurt that not many people could understand. For 14 months she felt guilty for the death of her boyfriend. I would tell her that she needed to move on. That she had to be strong and move on. I would tell her to love the people that are still alive. Not to take anyone for granted. She would often get SO mad at me and tell me, "you just don't understand

As some of you may know or may not know, her boyfriend also took his life. He shot himself after a fight they had. Darren had a choice to make. he made it himself. It wasn't my sisters fault, although she did not believe this. She was 18 when this happened. How is an 18 year old suppose to deal with this kind of pain? I guess she just couldn't.

And now, for 11 months I know how she felt. I wish I could still say I don't know, but I do. The pain is so great. Greater than anything I have ever felt in my life. I cant believe I have to spend the rest of my life without her. I cant believe I didn't love on her more during her difficult 14 months. I just cant believe she is gone.

I know how she felt and why she took her own life. It was because Satan was so strong telling her to do it. That there wasn't anything worth living for. That the pain will never get any easier, so might as well just end it. I know because in the past 11 months I have felt that way (I am in NO way suicidal, I just know how it feels know to hurt so bad and how Satan tries to use that)

I have come to some self-realizations the past few months. I act up when I am hurting. I tell stupid jokes, get kinda loud and hyper. I try to be the funny girl. When in reality there is so much pain in my heart. I constantly want to be busy or plan something big like a baby or a move. I need something to look forward to. So, tonight I'm letting it all out. The fact that life sucks at times. It is hard. Not a day goes by that I don't cry. I cant remember the last day when I didn't cry. Mostly at night, when I am lying there in the quite and I think of all the details of her death. I have nightmares. I cant sleep b/c I cant stop picturing everything, and by everything I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

I know that the only reason I am doing half as good as I am are 2 reasons. #1 the Lord. He has given me the strength not to believe Satan's lies. He has given me a hope. My hope in Him that he will carry me through this time and I know He has been carrying me. My hope that I will see my sister one day, and the hope in Him that He will only give me what I can handle. Although most of the time I don't feel that I can handle this. And #2 is my family. My boys keep me strong. My husband keeps me strong as well as my parents, grandparents, etc...They need me to be strong for them. My boys deserve a mother who can get on with life and not sit around with the curtains closed drinking a bottle of whiskey. (which at many times is exactly what I want to do)

There has been some some positive things that have happened in the past few months, that probably otherwise wouldn't have happened. For one, we moved to Colorado. I have made friendships that will last a lifetime and I have been able to share such a special time with my mom. Also, something that I know both Kaitlin and Darren are smiling down on...I have gotten really close with Darren's sister. She is amazing. Her and her family. I feel this deep connection with her. She lost her brother and me my sister. Many people have lost sibling and I know how hard that is on them, but I think when you lose a loved one through suicide, it is just different that not to many people can relate to. My heart breaks for Darren. My heart breaks that I never got to meet him, but I am so thankful for my friendship with his sister.

I don't really know how to close this blog. I guess by saying I'm sorry for being so depressing, and also by asking for prayer. In 2 1/2 weeks we will have been without her for a year. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Rest In Jesus my beautiful sis. I love you so much and miss you every single day of my life. From now until forever.

03-30-89 to 06-22-08