Ramblings

So much on my mind.

In fact so much I couldn't sleep last night.

And when I did sleep, I had dreams about what was on my mind.

I had a surprise visit from my cousin this weekend

It was great seeing her. We have grown up so much its crazy.

I worked hard this weekend.

New job is great.

The shows are great.

The people are kind and great.

I have lots going on the next 2 months.

Thinking I'm pretty much gonna see almost all my closest friends.

Not all my closest friends.

I am so blessed to have so many great friends.

Why do they have to be everywhere but here?

How fun would it be to have all my friends from all over all in one place?

I wonder what that would be like?

I need a girls night. I get to have on in 2 weeks.

I hate the Love Dare.

I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Sometimes I hate the decisions I have made in life.

Hate is a strong word. I hate hate.

I want to be done with Love Dare.

I am 2 days behind and I just don't want to do it anymore

I don't see the point.

I wonder what it will be like if I'm on my own.

I'm scared I'm going to fail.

But then again, I feel like I have already failed.

Pretty much at everything.

Besides being a mom. That I know I do great.

Love Love Love being a mom

My kids are freaking amazing. Im sure all moms say that.

But really, mine are!

I want one more. Even if it were another boy.

I want one more.

It will never happen so I better get over that.

If I don't have anymore I need to get this flippin weight off.

15 pounds to go.

Better stop eating my muffin and drinking my fatty coffee.

Yuck.

Now I feel sick.
I need to find a babysitter tomorrow night.
Its a real special night.
My Grandma is celebrating her 70th birthday.
Dinner. No Kids. Forgot to get sitter.
I'm screwed.

My house is a wreck.

I hate Mondays.

They are my catching up on rest days.

Today is different.

I have to go to work tonight.

Bo Bice is preforming.

Do you remember Bo Bice?
Runner up to Carrie Underwood in American Idol.

My friend showed me a post on CL for 2 car seats.

So excited for the grandparents to have extras so I don't have to always take them out.

Gotta go pick them up.

Then clean.

Then go to work.
Then come home and do everything all over again.

Love Dare- Days 11

Today’s Dare-

What need does your spouse have that could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it with a smile.

To me, this dare was much like the previous days dare. To do something nice or unexpected. And well, since I did that dare 2 days in a row, I was running out of ideas. I decided to have a plate of dinner ready for him when he got home and when he pulled up I popped it in the microwave so it was nice and hot when he walked through the door. He was thankful. That's it just, "thanks"

So, to me I had to step up my game. I didn't offer a massage because I am really bitter in that area. You see I worked up until the day before I had my baby.  Waiting tables. 5 to 6 days a week breaking my back. And NEVER got a massage. Maybe once he offered and after literally 2 minutes he would pat me on the back and say, "ok, ya good?" Therefore, I refuse to give a massage.

Maybe that's my problem. I hold on to to much. I expect my husband to be this perfect man and show me the world. Show me how much he loves me and he just doesn't. He tells me its cause he never had an example of how to be a good husband. Bull. I think if you love someone, it should just come natural. If you cherish someone, you show them the fruits of that.

Ok, back to the dare. I decided to SKIP the gym so I could spend some time with him. To me, that was a gesture to say, "I cherish you" He fell asleep. I feel like I suck at the doing things for your spouse part.

11 dares down. 29 to go.

side note- I was suppose to do day 12 last night. But honestly I was PMSing so bad and an emotional train wreck! I don't see JR today at all, so tomorrow will be day 12!

Our Week In Photos

I have been so wrapped up in doing the Love  Dare blog that I haven't blogged about just everyday normal life. (which Im sure is pretty boring to most) but I'm going to regret not getting the everyday stuff on paper.

We haven't had a big week. Did really go anywhere (we had a great play date on Monday and I forgot to bring my camera!) But here are some of the highlights:

Jax getting his first BIG BOY haircut!

His "new thing" is to put on adult shoes and say, "Bye mamma, I go to work" And he pretends to leave. Oh yeah, he also started talking about 2 weeks ago. His very first phrase was, "I spank your butt." No lie folks. He says it funny, not serious. I guess he hears us say this constantly to his older brother.

And our baby! Sweet Josiah Reid. He turned 1 2 weeks ago and still isn't walking. Just this week he figured out how to stand on his own!! He will have his walking shoes on in no time!

There aren't enough beautiful words to describe these boys friendship and love. They are so sweet to each other and love to be by another side.

And for some reason, they LOOOVE Q-tips.

I adore this picture. Despite it making me look like I'm a pig feeding my little piglets. We were playing on the floor one night after dinner. J.R. grabbed the camera and just started taking pictures. These are the moments life is made of.

All 3 boys LOOOOVE being read to.

And their daddy. He is a great daddy.

My name is Reid and Im a milk-aholic. For real. I came out of the room to find him on the couch with his brothers sippy cups. Sneaky Smart little guy.

And the TOE MONSTER. This particular day he would not stop biting my feet. (please don't judge the toes, I know I need a pedi)

That was my week. Beautiful. Simple. Surrounded by the love of all my boys.

Love Dare- Day 10

Today's Dare-

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse --- something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

Doing a dare everyday is much harder than I anticipated. The reason being, I don't see my husband every day and if I do see him, it  might only be for an hour or so. Even though this 40 days might take me 60, I think it works well. For example, I did this day 10, 2 days in a row now. Tomorrow I will do day 11.

Mondays are usually my "days off" Its my day to recover from a busy weekend at work and just be lazy. I normally take a shower, put on fresh comfy clothes, hang out at the house all day, and order something for dinner. Pretty much everyone knows this. If you show up at my house on Mondays, I look like I have been hit by a truck and my house is messy.

Being that the dare was to do something for your spouse I thought, well I will clean the house and make a nice dinner complete with a dessert. Then I got a text reminding me that Aiden had Tball (which means no nice home cooked meal and no time to get all 3 kids ready to go to the store) I decided to clean. While half the boys were at Tball I thought of something I could do that would be super nice and thought, "I will give him a massage when he gets home." He got home way late from Tball and I was half asleep already. Total Failure.

Yesterday I decided to iron his work clothes as my nice deed. Well, J.R. is very very particular on his ironing. I mean, this man seriously spends over a half hour on his shirt and jeans whereas I can knock it out in 10 min. He told me he really appreciates the offer but he would prefer to do it himself. Oh well.

So, although this dare didn't play out quite how I wanted it to, I'm gonna try and do something nice for him everyday. Even if it goes UN noticed.

Something is happening. Something is changing. We are being nice to each other. It is so out of the norm for us. I'm talking about like 5 straight days of kindness and no fighting. This has to be some kind of record for us. I'm trying not to be a skeptic and just enjoy it. Seriously, this is HUGE!

10 dares down. 30 to go. (yes I'm changing the ____ days down to dares down cause this is taking me forever to do!)

Love Dare- Day 8 AND 9

Friday( Day 8)

Today’s Love Dare is to become your spouse’s biggest fan and reject any thoughts of jealousy. Take yesterday’s list with the negative attributes and burn it. Share with your spouse how glad you are about a recent success he has enjoyed.

This wasn't to impressive. I called him on the way to work and got his voicemail. I told him how proud I was of him and all that he had done at his job. I told him I was thankful for him being such a hard worker. I still, 3 days later, haven't heard a response back to this. He probably thought I was smoking crack. LOL


So, this was the second weekend that it was almost impossible to write.

After Friday night I was going to give up. I had my mind made up that this marriage wasn't going to work and I was NOT going to keep going. Saturday morning rolled around and we got into a massive fight. The fight lead to J.R. telling me to file the papers I started and then he will move out. Oh boy was it big.

After we had all cooled off, put the kids down for a nap, we laid in bed. That's it. We laid there and talked clam. We talked for about an hour. He cried. I would put my hand on his back. Stroke his hair. Anything to give him some comfort. He does not in any way want to be split up from his family, but at times thinks it would be the best for us.

I cried also. I cried because he was crying. I cried because the fear of making a bad choice. I cried because I'm pissed. I cried because it was going to be hard.

I'm pissed that we have been married 7  years. We have had problems the entire 7 years and both of us are to damn lazy to get help or work on it.

If you noticed, I am starting out these dares different. Giving you a long back story on the day.

During the time in bed I told him that I was hurt that he didn't notice a change in me the last few days. I told him about the love dare and everything started clicking. He said he noticed I had been acting really strange and that he liked it but it was so random. We laughed over it.

I don't think I did a dare on Saturday. Ooops.

Here is Sundays.

Love Dare Day 9-

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with enthusiasm and a smile. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect love for them.

I should mention that after our long talk in bed on Saturday we had a GREAT Sunday. I'm talking really nice. For the first time in..... let me think...well a LOOONG time we just enjoyed each other and being a family. We never once fought. We never once said an ill word to each other.

He left to go to Kohl's during nap time. Before he got home I called him and asked if he wanted me to make him lunch and have it ready before he got home. He told me no. I returned to resting since it was nap time. I hear the keys in the door and I get up off the couch and meet him in the kitchen. I said, "hi" and put my hands on his hips and kissed him on the cheek.

Instantly I got a big ole Kool Aid smile on my face and I whipped around so he couldn't see. I tried being cool about it and not burst out in giggles. He stood there like he had seen an alien. He said, "wow....oh that must be the book." and I almost fell to the floor in tears from laughing so hard.

This is a really long post, and I apologize. But I will wrap it up by saying that I am incredibly skeptical. I have been doing this with him for years. We get along, we make promises, we set goals, we cry, we beg for forgiveness then it all gets blown to hell and I get let down.

I have the papers now. They are ready to go and ready to be filed. But I will still wait until this is over. Still waiting on the miracle to happen. To me, if our marriage is savable, it would truly be a miracle.

Days 8 and 9 down. 31 to go.

Love Dare- Day 7

today's dare-
For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

So today was all about moving into the appreciation room of your heart. I got out my paper and quickly the negatives starting piling up. I started on the positives and could only think of 3 things. I didn't quite know how to thank him for these attributes because I went to work before he got home so we wouldnt see each other at all yesterday. I decided to communicate with him the way we always do. Through text. I think over half of our major serious conversations are through text. In fact, we could be sitting in the same room and text each other instead of talk. Maybe this is part of the problem.
 
So, this is how my love dare played out via text: (keep in mind we got into a pretty big fight that morning and both agreed NOT to talk at all during the day)
 
me-  "Thank you for being a really great dad"
 
Him- "Your Welcome"
 
I let about 5 min pass before I sent him another
 
Me- "And I think y ou can be a really great man when your flesh doesn't get in the way"   (I know sounds like a back hand compliment)
 
Him- "Agreed. I think the same of you baby"
 
My heart was for the first time in a long time starting to get soft at this point. I love when he calls me baby. Few min later I sent him the final text
 
Me- "And I really appreciate that you don't control my spending. Thats it. I just wanted you to know that"
 
Him- "Utt Oh. Waddya do? I knew you were buttering me up."
 
LOL I guess I cant just be nice.
 
This is a paragraph from the book that really hit home for me-

You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your mate. This is a crucial step as you learn to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision that you make, whether they deserve it or not

I love the man he could be. I love the man he is when he is not angry. I love the man that I know is somewhere deep down inside. I just dont know if this man that I love will ever come to the surface.

7 days down. 33 to go.

Love Dare- Day 6

Today's Dare-

"Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."

Well let me start off by saying that I took a few days off. I did this love dare on Saturday. I didn't mean to take a break, but life just "got in the way" I guess. I didn't have time to blog about it and before I knew it I was practically giving up. I lost my book, etc...Each and every one of you who is reading this and showing me support and praying for me is what has kept me going onto day 7,8,9, etc....

With that said, I want to be honest. I know I am only on day 6 but I thought there would be this HUGE miraculous change already when in fact this week has been hell.

Ok, enough about that. Today's dare. The areas of my life where I need to add margin to my schedule. Well, the only thing I can let go of and give my life a little more time is from FaceBook. So for the next week I will abstain from FB. Wow, I know. That's gonna be tuff. It takes up to much time from the boys, to much time from housework which means when the kids are in bed, instead of spending time with my husband I am doing housework. I stay up late to finish, I am exhausted the next day. It is a vicious circle.

My wrong motivations. I don't exactly understand this challenge. Call me dumb, I don't know.

I guess if I search my soul my wrong motivations would all be wrapped up in one thing. I do things because I want J.R.'s attention. I fight with him because I want him to notice me. I cry to him because I want him to hold me. Everything I do whether it is cook dinner, clean the house, get all the kids fed bathed and put in PJ's before he gets home from work so he can say, "Wow, good job" Everything is for him because I want him to look at me in love and think I am the most special woman in the world.

99% of the time he never notices. I dont feel like the most special woman in his life. In fact, most days I cant even tell if he loves me or not. I am doing all this wrong with the wrong motivation. I am doing it for a man who will always fail me (not because of who he is, because he is human and people always fail people)

I have a huge problem with attention and being accepted. I dont know where it comes from. Not the kinda of attention like, "Im gonna stick my boobs out and wear a mini skirt" but positive attention. I dont want to disappoint people and Im always afraid Im gonna do something wrong.

So this I need to release from my life. Weather J.R. and I stay married or not, I need to work on this for myself.

By the way, the beginning part of the dare, "to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation" I did. This day 6 was on Reids first birthday party. J.R. kept getting annoyed, frustrated, stressed. Instead of flipping out on him I pulled him into the room. I told him that the kids wont remember that the house was clean (he always is tagging behind people cleaning up right after them) they wont remember that you couldn't find your BBQ spatula, they wont remember how hot it was. They will remember that their father was fun and laughed and interacted with them.

So, that was my reacting to a tough circumstance.

6 days down. 34 to go.

Love Dare- Sidenote

I guess taking a day off from this wasn't the best idea.

I sat down to do my day yesterday and I cant find the book!! I have been looking about 30 min. Thats the problem when you are hiding something from your spouse and you have to come up with new locations for things you are hiding.

I was gonna take it as a sign. Just to give up. Then I thought about all the women who have so graciously written me and have encouraged me. I thought about the women that I could POSSIBLY be encouraging and I don't want to give up.

My best friend reminded me today to do this for the Lord. Not for myself and not for J.R. but for HIM. So. Ok. I'm gonna go clean my house and hopefully find the book. If not, I will be off to Walmarat to buy another copy today!

Love Dare- Day 4

Today's Dare-

" Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them."

Ok, woops. I already  made a mistake and forgot to blog this day. 2 days ago. Thank you Debran for reminding me.

This was the easiest dare so far. And although it was easy to do, it had the MOST impact.

J.R. was having a really hard day at work. I mean, really hard day. He called me in the morning to tell me about it and in the back of my head I was thinking it was the perfect day to do this. I was kinda glad he was having a hard day. LOL

I didnt ask him right then and there. I waited a few hours after he told me about his hard day. I called him and simply asked, "is there anything I can do to make your day a little easier?"
I tell you what, it literally took the wind out of him. He was SHOCKED and started stuttering. He thought it was so nice that I would ask.

It was simple. It was quick. It was easy.

Hate to run so quickly, but I have a birthday party to get to starting....another blog tonight on today's love dare...a 1st birthday blog ANNNND lots of visiting to do.

Thank you for each one of you praying for myself and my marriage. Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement.

Day 4 down. 36 to go.

Love Dare- Day 5

Today's Dare-

"Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."

My heart hurts and I feel crushed and defeated. Again today, I want to throw in the towel on this stupid thing. It has taken me so long to post this one today because of the business of life.

This was a hard challenge for me. I sat there and took what he had to say like a woman. I wanted to justify and defend my behavior. I simply sat there on the verge of tears because he feels a way I had no idea I made him feel.

I'm just going to list the 3 things he said. I don't want to go into detail tonight because I am tired and worn out. I was even going to skip writing today, but I cant fail after only 5 days.

Here is his list:

1)  My insecurity
2) Paranoia
3) My Iron Grip

5 days down. 35 to go.