Pure Selfishness

I don't know if you are like me but when it comes to Anniversary gifts I usually "hint" at something I want. Something that I normally would never buy for myself. This year the one thing I wanted (that was affordable) was a tanning membership. Yup, unlimited tanning for a month. I know I know, I live in Arizona just go lay out. Well for one it is tooo cold to lay out. Second I don't have the time to  lay out and third, I would never lay out with this pasty white body.

Not for our anniversary (which is in 2 weeks) but for Valentines day I was presented with not only one month but 2 months of tanning. It is conveniently located next to the gym which is amazing.

Ok, this is where it gets REALLY selfish and TOTALLY vain, but hey...its MY blog. I'm just being me. LOL

As soon as I walk into the salon I feel the heat of the beds and smell the aroma of lotion. Ahhhh, I am being taken back to another time in life. A time where my life was tanning, hair, nails and shopping. Wow. This seems like forever ago. In fact, the lady told me which bed to go in and I had to ask her how to use it. (it has been over 5 years since I've been in a tanning bed) she kinda giggled at me and lead me to the room and showed me what to do.

Because I was so white and it has been so long since I've tanned i was only able to go for 7 minutes. 7 perfect minutes. In fact, it was 7 minutes in Heaven!!! As I shut the top of the bed and closed my eyes the sound of the fan and the heat from the bulbs made me almost squeal out loud. Yes, it was that amazing. I was being completely SELFISH. I was doing something that I feel made me look better and in return would make me FEEL better about myself, my role as a mom, and my role as a wife *wink wink*(if you catch my drift)

Then........BAM!

Just as soon as the blissfulness of the moment came it left and GUILT fell in its place. How could I be so selfish and full of so much vanity? How could I spend the money on tanning and the gym when I have 3 boys at home? (and in case anyone is wondering about our finances, it would take me 2 hours at work to pay for the membership) I spent the remaining 6 min trying to justify my actions and you know what?

I DID!

Its ok that I'm taking some "me" time. I have spent almost 5 years being pregnant, popping babies out, changing diapers, and getting up in the middle of the night. So yes, for the next 2 months when the kids are all in bed...I will go be SELFISH and VAIN and go tanning and then go next door to the gym.

I told J.R. he better get a raise, cause I could get use to this!!

And Christine...here is a picture since you hate blogs without pics! Just for you. bahahahahaha

Valentines

Im going to be the first to say I am not the biggest fan of Valentines day. To me, it is a huge let down day. Every girl desires to be and feel something special. And I think my expectations are to great and Im always let down. So, therefore I have always encouraged J.R. and I not to make a big deal over this stupid day. (besides our wedding anniversary is 2 weeks away and we always focused on that not Vday)

Yesterday was just like any other Sunday. We actually managed to go to 1st service at church and after Aiden got out of his class he started telling girls, "Happy Valentines" and telling me about Valentines. We got home and he told his dad that he needed to go to the store to buy me something for Valentines. Aiden told me he wanted to get me makeup cause he knew I liked makeup. lol I pulled J.R. aside and told him that was great cause I was out of mascara and powder. I thought thats what I was going to get...in the Walgreens bag and all. Little did I know that I am raising and particularly romantic and thoughtful little boy.

He came home so excited to see what he had gotten me. I had just woke up from a nap (notice in the pictures the PJ bottoms but still wearing my church shirt and jewelry) very stylish.

J.R. told me he let Aiden pick out whatever he wanted.

Look at the look on his face. He couldn't control his excitement.

I got a WONDERFUL marshmallow flower bouquet that naturally he wanted me to open and try right away (I think this was more for him than for me!)

This was the  best. He said he wanted me to be a princess. Ahh melt my heart.

And I got.....MAKEUP!!!

Totally sticking my lip out cause Im holding back the tears. Without asking he held my hair back so I could put on my amazing earrings.

The boys were in awe at something so sparkly and pink.

For the rest of the afternoon he kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. He brought tears to my eyes. He is going to make a woman very happy one day. One day very very very long down the road. Until then, Iam his only princess.

the bad, the bad, and the ugly

Well I am in week 2 of my operation "lose this baby weight cause its about darn time since your child is now 10 months old and you are heavier than you were when you delivered" Thats a mouth full.

I have done so well eating better, drinking more water, and filling my body with all that is good and healthy. I started 2 weeks ago at 174. And a week and a half later Iam down to 170. My realistic goal is to be at 140 but I would LOVE to be 130. 

I meant to do this back in September or so then I got lazy. I mean I wasn't THAT big yet right? I guess it took my big wake up call a few weeks ago to get me to post this totally embarrassing and totally humiliating public display. Well, its not THAT public. Im not posting it on FB cause I dont want a bunch of men to see what I look like semi nude (thats right folks...in just a bit you will see me. SEMI. NUDE.)

Why you ask? To embarrass the junk out of me. Keep me accountable. The best way to lose this weight for me is to show you all how "uncomfortable" I feel. So here you go. You might want to grab a garbage bag just in case you vomit in your mouth. I will post more pics and measurements in a month!

My desire...

First of all I want to make a few things very clear. I am so fully grateful for what the Lord has blessed me with. I am so in love with my 3 boys and am in awe each day that they are mine.  The second thing I want to make aware of is how fortunate I am that I have such an easy time getting pregnant. I dont take this for granted one second. It breaks my heart to know that there are women out there that struggle with their fertility while I sit here and get pregnant from my husband sneezing on me.

It wasn't always that way though. There was a time when we were told that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. After losing one baby due to an ectopic pregnancy which lead to a ruptured tube and major surgery and then another to a miscarriage I figured the Dr's were right. Then we had Aiden. After Aiden my husband was diagnosed with Cancer. Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I will never forget when the Dr said, "do you have any children" we answered that we had a 10 month old son. He said to us, "I hope you are content with that because unless you bank your sperm chances are you will not be able to conceive again" (due to 6 months of chemo and radiation) We were devastated but accepted the fact that we would only have 1 beautiful son.

We have since had 2 boys since the Dr.'s told us we wouldn't be able to have any more. I say all this because if there are moms out there who are having problems getting pregnant I want you to know I understand your pain and your desire for a baby. There is nothing I can say but don't give up hope.

Now the real reason for my post. Notice the picture above? My heart and soul YEARN for a little girl. Seriously yearn. Tears come to my eyes just thinking about the idea of having a precious little daughter. I pray almost every single day that God blesses us with a daughter. I see moms and daughters and I just ache inside. People tell me, be thankful you don't have any girls. They are to emotional. To much drama.

I know. I don't mind. Its not even the cute little baby I want all dressed up in Tutus (which I will totally do IF God ever blessed me with one...oh yeah..BIG bows and all) I want to go prom dress shopping. Teach the importance of a first kiss. I want to help my little girl get ready for her wedding. Be with her when she becomes a mother. I want a best friend when she is an adult.

I have such a close relationship with my mom. Although it hasn't always been that way. I was really difficult when I was 14/15. But now, as a mother myself, we are so close. I can honestly say she is my best friend. The one person I can tell anything to who wont judge me and will always love me and support me.

I also want to see my husband have a little girl. I want to see a healthy father/daughter relationship. I think she would be the luckiest girl in the world to have him as her daddy.

I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world and if the Lord never blessed us with a precious girl I would be content with that. Iam just praying now for my sons future wives. That they are amazing women and through them I can one day have my daughter. With all this said, yes I want to try for one more baby. Even if it were another boy I would want one more. If it happens to be a girl, Awesome. Amazing. Beautiful. If it happens to be a forth boy. Awesome. Amazing. Beautiful.

Happy 2nd Birthday Jax

Dear Jax,

It seems "better late than never" is going to be a very common saying around this house. You turned 2 over a week ago. I must have thought a million times this week what I wanted to write to you. I thought about holding feelings back for the sake of not hurting yours later down the road. I decided to be brutally honest about your 2nd year in  hopes that you will get a laugh at it when one day you are a dad yourself.

Well, lets not get to ahead of ourselves. Shortly after you turned 1 you started walking. This was such a great year for you. You were always so content and just such a quiet baby. You would just watch your surroundings and observe. We figured it was because you had an older brother who took every single opportunity to steal the spotlight.

When you were 14 months old we welcomed your baby brother into our home. You weren't quiet sure what to think. I don't think you noticed to much. In the following months he grew on you and you started trying  to take care of him. You would give him a bottle, help change his diapers, and were always kissing on him. I know you two are going to have such a special bond.

Once you started approaching 2 things started taking a little bit of a turn. YOU my precious, innocent, quiet child had to have your first spanking. Oh my goodness it broke my heart as well as yours. I barely taped your hiney and the puppy dog look came on your face and tears started streaming down your cheeks. I begged you never to do anything bad again cause I never wanted to discipline you again. Well that week was the first week I really ever heard you scream and throw a fit. Scratch that..it WAS the first time you ever threw a fit. I remember one instance where I wanted to go shopping. You were always the EASIEST one to take shopping. You would simply sit in the stroller and just look at everything. This time was different and the change into the TERRIBLE twos!!! I was with your Grandma and we went to Ross. You screamed and threw a fit the entire time. I ended up leaving the store and went  home and cried.

One more thing you do now that is so unlike my sweet little baby is, you REFUSE to take pictures. I mean no matter how hard we try, how much we bribe you, you will NOT sit for a picture and if we point a camera in your face you always have an angry look. In fact, on your 2nd birthday each time I went to take a pic you said, "NO MAMMA" The picture at the top of the blog is the only smiling picture I have of you on your birthday. You can tell that I snuck that picture of you.

With all the terrible two stuff said and done let me say that you are still such a sweet boy. You are still quiet. You don't really talk yet and that is ok. You are taking your time. You LOVE LOVE your daddy and Grandpas. You will definitely be a mans kinda man.

This year has been a great one with you and I have loved holding your hand and kissing your cheeks every step of the way.

You are so precious to me, I pray you never forget that!

Forever your mamma.....