The "D" Diary... Petitioner Please

I held on to the "D" papers for 3 weeks. For 3 weeks they sat on my counter. I think sub consciously I wasn't filing them. Maybe I wasn't ready. Ready to admit my marriage was over. So many things happened in that 3 weeks that made me realize it was indeed over. Reasons only few know and that again wont be brought up at this time on blog.

I woke up on a Thursday morning with such peace. That is was time to take the papers in to the courts to be filed. I knew it had to be done the next morning.

With the set back of filling out the papers in blue ink instead of black ink all was ready to go. My mom and Grandma took the boys for me for the day. I'm glad they did. I wasn't ready for the emotional basket case I would be.

After going through security and hearing everyone joyfully saying, "Merry Christmas" By the way, it was the day before Christmas Eve. All I wanted to do was cry and tell everyone to stop being so jolly and let me  have my depressing moment. I even spotted another woman a little older than me looking for the right papers at the self service center. I wanted to reach out and hug her. Like I stated above. Complete basket case! Anyhow, went through the jolly, happy security and walked the green mile. At least the hallway felt like it. It was cold and empty and seemed to go on for miles.

I had my emotions under control. I handed the clerk my papers and my copies. All I said was, "I need to file these" She looked them over. Probably seeing that I have 3 boys and now a failed marriage and looked up to size me up. Felt like the biggest failure. I feel the knot in my throat warm up like a big ball of fire.

She got out 3 large stamps or seals or something. And started pounding every single paper with them. Every time she stamped the page it felt as if a knife was stabbing my heart every time. One tear fell, then the floodgates were unleashed. Why did this hurt so bad? This is what I wanted. Or is it? At least I know its what I need to do. For the safety of myself and my boys.

I stood there for about 20 min while she stabbed my heart stamped the papers. I asked her what my next step was. She told me I have to go get papers to serve him then turn those in and wait for a judge. ya da ya da ya da.

8 years ago we eloped in Vegas. It was as simple as showing our  ID at the courthouse and signing a paper. Maybe if it would have been more difficult to get married, I wouldn't be in this place.

I composed myself. Walked out of the courthouse on a freezing, windy, Christmas Eve Eve. I have never felt so alone. So empty. So heartbroken. At the same time so at peace and relieved. Most of all, so proud of myself. I was finally sticking up for what was right.

The "D" Diary...Beauty from Ashes

I have stayed away from blogging for weeks now. For the fear of being fake. For the fear of if I were real and honest the backlash that would result because of it. The ridicule, the gossip, the comments on how I shouldn't be putting myself out there and my personal issues.

I have stayed away for weeks and now it is like a burning in my heart. I need to write and get things off my chest.

Since I have been writing in my blog, I have wrote many times on my marriage. My desire to desperately save my marriage, my giving up on my marriage, the re-birth into what I thought was going to be the beginning to an amazing everlasting love. The Love Dare. The Love Dare failure. Venting, complaining, and being encouraged by my followers amazing words of wisdom. It was only 3 months ago that I promised myself to my husband. I vowed to him that I would be the best wife I could be for him. I vowed to him that I would love him and support him and never ever not even in the heat of the moment bring up the "D" word. Unless one thing happened.

This isn't to go into details of what exactly happened in our marriage. Looking back now it wasn't just one thing. I mean, the last thing..that thing that lead up to me putting my foot down and saying enough is enough was one thing.

But looking back there were SOO many things I did wrong. And that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

My heart is broken. It is filled with so much pain. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel the man I have been married to for almost 8 years is a stranger and our marriage was all lies.

I'm going to be 30 in a few months. I have 3 little boys. I drive a mini-van. I'm suppose to be a family gal. Just last month I told him that I wanted to quit my job and be a full time mom. You know, the kind that has dinner on the table every night. Has all the kids bathed and dressed everyday. Spends the days at the park playing. That was MY desire.

In one split second, because of a lack of control all that was lost. I will now struggle as a single mom. Although ultimately it was something I choose to do, it was not something I wanted to do.

4 weeks later, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right decision. Tomorrow I will be going to court to file the divorce papers that have been sitting on our counter for over 3 weeks. My heart will heal. I will learn to be a single mom and raise 3 amazing, strong, respectful men. And one day, very very far down the road, I will find a man who sweeps me off my feet. Who will love me and my boys. A man who will never lie to me or hurt me.

Until then I'm keeping my focus on my main man upstairs and the 3 little men in my life who are my world.  I will stop at nothing to make sure they are taken care of and being raised in the most loving home possible.

^"To all who mourn in Israel,^[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory."